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feels so good

March 19, 2010

well, hello!  i want to succeed today in breaking the silence on this blog.  you see, i’ve drafted 5 posts that have not made publish.  i’ve wanted something to follow the sadness post that preceeds this but nothing has hit the mark.  i may take that down.  i miss my sweet little journal about the questions and explorations of life.  today i seek to go back to my commentary on what is, around me. 

spring time is beginning here in texas.  there has been a lightness in my air over the last month.  this week has been all sunshine and the bluest skies. 

i began this last week attending Yoga in the Park.  never have i seen Houston stand so beautiful as the view of downtown from downward dog with sunshine on my back and stark blue sky crystaling in my vision.  over these last few incredible months yoga has been and continues to become my everything.  it’s my breathe, it’s my love, it’s my clarity.  i really should write about my yoga… i keep wondering what it is i have available to teach…

well… i put my kids class on the calendar!  that’s right, i’m playing teaching family yoga every Saturday!!!!!!!!   i decided to make it a donation based class rather than charging tuition.  for me, this opportunity is about learning to wear the hat of teacher, sharing love, and learning to inspire, clown and spread joy to parents and children. 

i worried my first class would not fill but much to my delight and surprise i had 11 kids show up.  i am amazed at how naturally my teaching flows.  i forget parents are in my circle of animal friend.   i fully transform into what my imagination creates us to be.  during our first class we learned the framework of the ancient yogis who lived in the forests.  we became them and visited our favorite animal friends, who rafted down the river with us at the end of class.  last week, we travelled to africa by surfing, riding hot air balloons, riding magic carpets, boating, riding the massage train.  after we arrived, our animal friends took us on a safari.  the adventures are endless!   

i am honored by the mom who’s eyes filling tears showed me the gratitude she felt as she thanked me for class and the joy her children take home.  i am encouraged and supported by the mom who, after their first class, asked if i could come teach at her son’s school. children progress from shyness the first week to bursting with personality and skills to show us the next.  i am overcome by the blessing of watching these bright lights grow and shine right before my eyes!!!!!!  last week i taught them to Om, Namaste, and they agreeably went into shivasana.  yes!  i am on the path of helping to teach them to love themselves, their bodies, each other, their parents, their neighbors, those who are different and those unique differences, animals, veggies and the earth.  yippieedidooooooo! 

my next endeavor is to develop an empowerment class for teen goddesses, or tweens, or whatever pop culture is calling girls in junior high school and high school.  i’m calling them goddesses.  i mentioned this idea to my teacher and she is thrilled.  i also want to take my kids class to a shelter.  oh yippee! 

i feel so good.  those 4 small words do not contain the volume of goodness i feel… it’s hard to believe or describe but i’ll try… i started my period today (sorry, it’s relevant) with no symptoms of pms.  in fact, the last few days i’ve felt glowy.  i wondered about this ease of appreciation of each delicate moment of life and physical delicious, knowing i would ordinarily be feeling some physical discomfort that AF was coming.  i am sleeping again after 2 years of insomnia nonsense.  i am successfully weaned from caffeine and energized by the clear head of caffeine free life.  i won’t patronize you by trying to say the 17 days it took me to get there were dreamy (they were more than uncomfortable).  i don’t miss my coffee.  in fact continuing to drink it while weaning was difficult.  my mind is serious when it makes a decision to stop something.  i love my herbal teas that keep my ritual burning. 

two weeks ago i visited a naturopath.  she’s like the missing link.  she shares my philosophy about food, medicine and lifestyle, and has a medical education.  she’s close to my age.  she’s a mom.  she’s formerly vegan.  she had The China Study sitting on the bookcase in her office.  she’s practiced yoga.  she’s basically at the top of awesome.  she spent 2 hours learning everything i could think to tell her about my experiences with medical care and life.  she was delighted by my success with using garlic as an antibiotic.  she can work me for optimizing health and treating dis-ease in a way that is consistent with my philosophy – so SO nice.  we reviewed the blood work from my last physical with the MD.  i learned that the normal range for those results was based on the average American… umm…… not exactly a comforting measurement.  we talked about my diet and how i’ve felt with vegetarian w/ dairy, vegan + fish, and vegan.  she confirmed that 100% vegan is not what’s best for me based on my blood type and my experiences.  she confirmed my allergy to dairy.  she thinks no nuts for me.  she playfully scolded me for being nervous about soy.  she listened to my body.  she confirmed my ideas that i should be on a probiotic and added a daily dose of flax oil to my mix.  she also gave me an herbal tincture and some herbal vitamins.  love.

oooh!  with the motivation and help of some AWESOME sister friend gardening GODDESSES i have created the beginnings of my spring vegetable garden, eeeeee!!!  we dug out an area of my yard that is 5 ft x 6 ft, tackled some snakes and a tree stump… oh yes we did!  we used the cinder blocks from my compost-FAIL to create the boundary.  i planted yellow squash, zucchini, green beans, arugula, strawberries, oregano and basil.  i’m seeding tomatillos… mmmm summer salsa.  i transplanted what’s still living from last year’s summer garden – onions, swiss chard, rosemary and lavender.  in a few weeks i’m adding TONS of pepper plants.  i’m also going to add tomatoes when i am comfortable the warmth is here to stay. 

i’ve been cooking less than i care to admit.  mostly roasting veggies and beans.  i am in love with a simple salad of spinach, avocado and kalamata olives with Bragg’s Healthy vinaigrette.  i’ve been eating this for lunch virtually every day of the last 3 weeks.  i’ve also been impressing people with my variation of the VCON chickpea patties.  i tend to add nooch and cut the bread crumbs.  one favorite way to serve this delish is with spaghetti squash and marinara loaded with mushrooms and onions.  last weekend i had mom over for lunch when i was craving this incredible hemp seed burger.   i made the burger foundation of the chickpea cutlet (+ nooch and sans bread crumbs), added finely chopped onions, celery and carrots, and flax meal.  i served them on seeded bread with lettuce, tomato and avocado, and roasted sweet potatoe fries on the side.  mom and i were in heaven.  

so… hmm… what else?  i am dreaming.   my vision has returned with clarity.  i have found my next vacation – circus yoga school and a shakti workshop in upstate new york!  i can’t wait!

i want to share one last thing before i go.  i’ve been seeing a new yoga instuctor.  i’m in awe of him actually.  he’s amazing and my body is changing enormously.  his energy is soothing.  i am considering studying with him next.  a few weeks ago he was talking about the (arguably) impossibility of quieting the mind.  my mind does not stop.  period.  while i would like to experience the benefits of meditation, i haven’t wanted to practice.  i do not enjoy struggling with requesting my mind to stop.  one of my yoga friends says he does not want his mind to quiet.  he quite likes his mind.  funny how i like pleasure and my friend likes what his mind says.  my teacher said that the mind will never stop, so instead of trying to stop it, maybe we could learn to ignore it.  that’s what he does.  he says the fastest was to exhaust yourself is to pay attention to the chatter of the mind.  so, let’s ignore the mind………. do cartwheels……… and make frog sounds.

tequila, coffee and tears

January 23, 2010

someone near to me is homeless.  he is sick and miserable and i’ve done everything in the world that is also healthy for me to try to prevent this.  it didn’t work.

i remember when these issues came to light.  i can recall every minute detail of it actually.  i remember the day my gut told me to check on him before making any more plans to leave texas.   i remember the confusion and hopeful misinterpretation of that subconscious gurgle.  rethinking the ways and days it all unfolded a few short weeks later, it still doesn’t seem real to this day.  then the world planted a telephone pole across my car, the first shock on the course of changing my life forever.  it was just a car but it also wasn’t.  the dynamics of my heart and every relationship i had would be affected by the intimate witness of the path to homelessness.  i remember laughing when my optimism was cautioned that he was headed for the streets.  this is how people get there i was told.  the teller was right.

i remember how i felt when i uttered those cautionary words to him in fear and exasperation, pleading for him to get help because it would be enormously uncomfortable to live on the streets.  i remember the day, months later, when he told me that’s where he was.  he needed me to take his dog, and i couldn’t.  i felt it all that day – the inhumanity of a piece of me living on the streets, the suffering of the dog, the confusion of what this meant to those relationships, and enormous sadness.

i don’t think about these things often because it is still heartbreaking to me, for him.

i haven’t seen him in months but now i’m trying to figure out how to.  it’s not a matter of being unable to find him.  it’s a matter of not being able to find my relationship to it.  i’ve been ignoring this sadness.  i needed to for a while.  i needed to let him make his decisions for himself without my resentful energy making things worse.  i needed to reset myself, be connected with the peace of knowing i did everything i could, which i honestly know is true.

it’s been many months since i’ve seen him.  we only recently came back into communications.  somewhere the line got blurred between giving him space and choosing to ignore him.  this doesn’t serve me and i want to be released.  i finally recognized this, and after being kind of pissed about it for about a week, i set an intention – to find genuine love and compassion and humanity and offer it to him.  the first call was hard but the second got easier.  i listened.  it’s far less difficult to love when i listen.

i need to go see him.  JR is actually planning the visit.  maybe this is the year of his strength for this situation.  between now and then, i need to be authentic about my feelings and work through them.  tequila and tears with besties helped last night.  i’m certain this coffee and tears post will help.  another trip to visit family in denver will certainly restore my heart.  i want houston to release me.  i want to know uninhibited true love.  my only hope for accomplishing this is to understand a healthy forward relationship here.  i think the underlings are whispering of more opportunity.  maybe i’ll find the strength to visit the homelessness support organization this week.  maybe.  for now, the plan is – to keep sharing and setting healthy intentions, and keep a good watch for old patterns of destruction.  the answer is about to be revealed.  it’s almost frighteningly near.  i can feel it, and so can everyone in my circle of energy.  it’s interesting and in a way empowering and exciting… shift…

it might very well be impossible to judge when i’m really listening… but i am capable of simultaneously crying, being brave, and accepting… and i’m better for knowing both of these truths… in endlessness… hmm.

ebb and flow

December 28, 2009

it’s funny how quickly i fell away from this blog and as of here lately i seem to have nothing left to write in this space. that’s probably not true.  i have simply felt uninspired.  not uninspired by life but uninspired to write here.  maybe a thoughtful and thoughtlessly planned post will kick my energies back in to gear.

i have not been cooking.  for a moment i start to say i have not been creating but i don’t think that is true.  i’ve been creating differently.  primarily i’ve been creating relationships.  not the juicy romantic relationships that would be ultra fun to blog about… maybe…  i’ve been trying new things, reaching out, looking at ways to be connected and learning things.  i noticed the reason i have not been cooking is that my sundays were my sort it out in the kitchen (and in my head days).  now my sundays are spent at yoga teacher training.  it’s been a crazy adjustment to commit 1 of 2 weekend days to this opportunity, envelope myself into the reading, the extra classes, continue nurturing all of the other lovelies in my life, and find some kind of balance for myself alone.  

something had to give but not my diet, mane.  it was awesome to finally recognized the cooking thing.  these last 2 weeks i have succeeded in getting my beans soaking on saturdays (thanks JP for the suggest) and getting sunday stock on early sunday morning (thanks Momma for the crockpot).  last week i had a FABULOUS mushroom and navy bean stew, and this week i have another FABULOUS cabbage and lentil stew.  this simple thing brings me such happiness.

i’ve had mostly ups.  up until last week, that is, when i hit a good stretch of fun-ky down.   i say a good stretch with a bit of a laugh b/c now that i’m feeling better i realize i think i’ve had only a couple bits of down this year… and considering the things i could have gotten down into, that’s a pretty good thing.  the downs were treated with compassion this year, something i haven’t managed as well in years past.  i took some time out.  i paid attention to what it was in my emotions and i shared it.  i skipped yoga.  i went for a manicure.  i went for cocktails when that’s what i darned well pleased.  i recognized the seasonal change and i knew, i believed, that with time, love and compassion, my body would restore its balance.  thank you body for doing your thing right like you have done.

in hindsight, i could have taken that sadface to yoga.  i underestimated my new friends.  i shared with them this week and i know they understand.  they are some awesome possum new sisters.  turns out 1/2 of us skipped out on yoga that day.  those that did attend were also funky.  funky is authentic and perfectly appropriate to share.  it was nice to compare these days, and observe a pattern amongst us.     

i had a fantastic bunch of merry holidays.  i enjoyed being with my family so much.  we went out on the town to celebrate grandma’s birthday on christmas eve.  i cooked knock your stockings off veg enchiladas christmas day.  the rest of the fam damily came over to close out our 3 day event with cases of mimosas, bloody marys, wine, and a veg friendly meal of masters, excepting only the turkey.  i stayed in the burbs where mom lives, close to my Besties from HS.  i loved being there and that those days enabled me to spend some quality time with all of them. 

i’m not so huge on gifts but there are some things that stick out.  firstly, Bestie surprised me with the most beautiful turquoise necklace.  i was so touched by this gift since i have been looking for turquoise since before Barcelona.  i felt like it should be a necklace but i hadn’t found anything that was right.  while doing some christmas shopping, for her gift actually, i found an exactly right $15 turquoise bracelet.  i was excited by the bracelet b/c it replaced the bracelet David gave me years ago and i had still been wearing.  Bestie hadn’t seen the bracelet and i doubt she knew how much this turquoise quest has meant to me… so imagine my delight when i open her gift and it’s the exact right turquoise necklace i had in mind (and a perfect match to my bracelet).  it reminded me of the christmas we were synched up enough to buy each other the same gift and the same card!  much has changed since those high school days , obviously, so it was utter delight to experience that moment of oneness with her again.  i will cherish this turquoise set always and forever.

mom got me Osho Zen Tarot cards.  we had tons of fun with readings.  she also got me The China Study (i know, how have i not read this book yet?  i’m excited and my yogis want to book swap our extra reading.  this will make for great circulation.)

i woke up yesterday morning completely refreshed.  i popped out of bed and was not drawn to the tv (YAY!).  i spent time with Yoga Anatomy. i perused the internets.  i found that my yoga friend’s blog had something to say about holistic healing for depression, interesting.   she suggests Bach’s flowers, nature and connecting with others as methods of getting over the hump.  apparently that was the last kicker i needed to go for a run?!?  a 3 mile jaunt in the park before power vinyasa flow, really?  it felt good and the sun was something amazing.  today i’m crazy sore and a bit bothered about the idea of what it will feel like to stretch this out… but i did skip my yoga last week, so this pain is probably deserved…

today i began reading The HeartMath Solution.  i was going to wait to read this on the plane later this week but it’s doubtful i will hold onto it for that long.  speaking of planes, i’m over the moon, you awful retrograde meanie moon, EXCITED about my new year’s plans in denver.  i haven’t a clue what those plans entail aside from merely showing up but i couldn’t be more thrilled about visiting my special, special friend and her gorgeous family for this year’s sacred holiday. 

if i end on this note, i’ve failed to mention only one thing still left in this boggle of mind: it’s AP, and i need to figure out my next step.  now that he’s chosen his path, i need to determine my relationship to it.  i think the distance has been defined and it’s time to ignore less.  it’s time to accept and give love and compassion, in a healthy way.  hmmm…

reflections on Quantum Healing

December 7, 2009

Learning to communicate what I have experienced and what I am learning.

———————————————————————————————

I’ve never had cancer and yet to be diagnosed with a terminal or acute illness.  At age 30, that is fairly normal and a huge blessing.  What I began experiencing at the young age of 19 was chronic depression.  It’s possible the onset of this disease was sooner but it was at 19 years old when I became conscious of the gravity of this condition.  For the next 8 years I would struggle with understanding my symptoms and finding an appropriate way of healing.  This journey is the basis of my understanding of the book Quantum Healing. 

I’m blown away in learning about how the molecules of our brain function, and particularly how they are ever changing and play a role in healing (or possibly enhancing) our experience of disease.  My yoga practice has taught me about creating light and moving energy into the space it’s needed.  I am curious about Chopra’s characterization of the use of meditation and channeling healing energy to see the results of spontaneous healing.  Quantum Healing helps me understand why traditional Western teachings on science, the human body and even religion have never engaged me.  I am delighted in new interests and understandings.  For the very first time I feel connected to miracles and stories of Jesus Christ as I consider energy as a method of healing beyond what can be proven by the scientific method.

I believe the symptoms of depression I experienced were simply a manifestation of my enormously imbalanced energies.  I was all thought, seeking to delete the sounds of my emotion and my feelings based on what I experienced in the household where I grew up. Not only this, most of those thoughts were judging, ego driven responses.  Western physicians called my experiences a chemical imbalance in my brain.  My doctors compared the diagnosis of depression as being similar to receiving a diagnosis of Strep Throat. When I resisted medication for depression I was asked whether I would accept an antibiotic if that were the case instead. With this logical box, I accepted a pharmaceutical antidepressant as my first course of treatment.  I found some relief of the symptoms, mainly a muting of the negative attitudes and experiences I had that were preventing me from carrying on with a “normal” life.  I also experienced a number of side effects from the drugs.  There was one weekend the side effects of an improper medication cocktail seeking to address my symptoms of depression and competing insomnia deeply terrified me.  I was touched by Chopra’s discussion of the use of pharmaceutical medications for one thing and the use of more drugs to control side effects and other resulting dis-ease.  My doctors were constantly making adjustments, some things worse than others, and the bottom line was always that I never felt treated.  Instead I felt numbed.  Eventually I became disenchanted by the magic medication.  Looking back, I think it’s interesting that diet, exercise and spirituality were not considered by any of my treating physicians. 

Eventually I would seek out other methods of healing this disease.  But first I would be blessed with an enormous heart opening experience, which came in the form of heart break and deep loss.  In this experience I wanted to actually heal.  I feared being placed on higher doses of medication to keep my feelings and emotions numbed in order to face the grieving process and maintain daily function.  I feared I would fall into old behavioral patterns of mismanagement of the symptoms which had never been healed.  It was this experience that helped me hear the cries of my spirit for the first time.  This is when I would learn about my chakras, to listen, to pay attention to what was going on beyond my thoughts, to move energy, to enable the creation of balance and healing.  Consequently, this is also when I discovered yoga and radically changed my diet.  I became a student of the mindbody interrelations, changing my course of intelligence-only culture, an experience that was creating so much disconnection and imbalance I needed a pharmaceutical to cope.  I now recognize my symptoms of disease differently and understand how to apply mindbody techniques to create healing.   I am fascinated to learn that these techniques can be furthered to manage much more severe disease and generate healing as Chopra has achieved.  I am excited by this knowledge.  It sings in my spirit. 

I had no idea that our composition, down to the cellular level is in fact constantly changing.  My mind has again been opened so broadly to possibility and questions.  I cannot wait to learn more in HeartMath Solution and The Field.  Quantum physics, bring it on!

cherishing a moment of pure happy

December 4, 2009

this morning i had a perfect moment of joy.  i had gotten up early to help a dear friend get to the surgery center.  after dropping her off, i had almost an hour before picking up my boss and heading to work.   i stopped at a coffee shop nearby his house, ordered the biggest coffee i could find (why don’t they serve coffee in gallons on fridays?) and found a cozy chair to curl up with the last 50 pages of Quantum Healing.  the clouds have been gorgeous this week, with snow anticipated for today.  another good friend is in labor.  i looked up to see a man sitting with his daughter (8 y.o.?) nearby.  after settling in with their coffee, milk and donuts and chatting a bit, he pulled out a book and started reading to her.  it was a beautiful present unexpected, unplanned moment.  it brought tears to my eyes, and a place of serenity to acknowledge yet another week of awesome and amazing surprises. 

last night i drudged myself to another event.  i say drudged b/c dangit i’m tired.  i’ve had something planned all but 1 night this week, which was actually a planned night but the weather was so bad it took me home, cancelling the plans.  i’ve decided that instead of trying to lessen my schedule, i can probably instead increase my energy.  i am enjoying so much of everything everywhere, so long as i’m doing what i love, i don’t want that to change.  i know there is a way to squeeze more energy out of my diet, i will take a closer look. 

the event was a mayoral runoff candidate meet and greet with the city’s greenest city planning organizations.  our organization managed to become a co-host with four other fine groups.  you know it’s a good event when every single candidate in a group of 12 makes a point to show up.  the room was full of innovators and positive vision.  the spirit was contagious.   i was so happy to be one of the new kids there, and loved how the room was looking to the people my age to self create and dream big solutions.  it’s our world to make better! 

i walked away from that event with something else added to my schedule: my first very own kids yoga class to be held at an urban nonprofit community farm next saturday!!!  um… kids yoga at the inner city organic farm, seriously?  there’s a drum circle, seriously?  yes indeed!!!!!!!!

this week i have been considering intelligence (book report to coming soon).  i had no idea that we use such a small capacity of our intelligence.  even Einstein’s brilliant mind is estimated to have only utilized 15-20% of his intelligence.  wow.  i am also learning about anatomy and physiology, and quantum physics.  me, connecting meaningful thought with those biology books i could only become frustrated with as my poor teachers tried to engage my attention with them in grade school.  i am beginning to find articulation of the mission of my business.  in this, i have added 4 more books to my progressively longer reading list.  3 books about Gandhi and Mandela’s autobiography.  i have 2 friends helping to photograph headshots of me.  i have 2 friends helping to create and design my website.  i have an article that is being published, with a request for more.  it’s amazing how much a week can bring when i’m conscious of being open and surprised, letting go of limitations and considering ways to keep giving in the energy that is supporting me. 

i have been thinking about bigger questions.  to me, thinking outside the cage means to question the paradigms that stand in my way.  i have been living this in seeking to understand myself.  now i’m blessed with opportunity to take that further, to push my intelligence, continue to grow.  i believe in a shift.  i can create and become everything that is.  that blows me away, every time.

listen to the heart

November 28, 2009

“But HOW gf?  How does it all fit together?”  I asked rather grumpily earlier this week. My mission, should I choose to forgo playing over the holiday weekend would be to give it some thought.

It’s been an insanely busy bunch here lately.  I remember looking at my calendar in September and realizing there wasn’t a single unplanned day for about 6 weeks – not a weekend day, not a weekend hour, an occasional weeknight hour was open but should be spent in yoga class since one of my teacher training requirements includes 4 yoga classes per week and my body was still building stamina.  Big 6 weeks, folks.  More than I planned turned up too, which meant my schedule got even fuller.  A couple of highlights include the Rainbow Kids Yoga training – wow!!!  This was part of my schedule but what I did not know was how inspiring the teacher would be.  I spent nearly every evening with both my teachers while he was in town.  After yoga class each night we cooked yummy veg, drank red wine and contemplated the peaceful warrior life.  I was asked to become a key member of my teacher’s nonprofit foundation which works with cancer patients.  I participated in my environmental nonprofit training.  It  has seriously been a powerful few weeks, and this is not even considering how my life changed in Barcelona.  The recurring theme was “Keep giving.  Do what you love and have faith that it will satisfy your needs.”  Ahhh… the spiritual life.

As I emerged from this series of inspiring events I found myself feeling the funk of my regular job.  There is nothing spiritual about what I spend 55 hours of my week dealing with.  It can be self-destructive if I let it.  Boo on me b/c I’ve been letting it.  I’ve been in a weird place because part of me connects with an underlying contentment, life is good, peacefulness that knows I am exactly where I should be, and the other part of me feel completely lost in my direction, beyond knowing that I’m grounded in my teacher training until April 2010.  Then I laugh b/c I think the teacher training is doing exactly what it should do if I’m feeling this way.  I feel like I have all of these pots of delicious goodies boiling (since I don’t bake) and in the midst of these tasty smells I am overwhelmed b/c I have no idea how to time them so that the meal comes together and I’m spending all my time doing the dishes instead of nurturing the food.  I know the menu is delectable but how does it all come together, especially if the bulk of my time is being spent on a chore?

I left work on Tuesday headed for tea with my teacher.  Her schedule is 2x as hectic as mine so we try far more often than we succeed at winding up on the same page.  She’s entirely awesome.  These Leos, it’s amazing to see the recurrence of how often I’m drawn to them (or them to me, I dunno).  As we sit down with Oolong, she asks me how I am.  “My job is killing me.”  She says, “Cancel, cancel cancel” since we’re working on our karma, hehe.  She brushes over it and begins to tell me she has more irons in the fire for me.  “Get your business up quickly.  We’re heating up and I need you to be ready to go,” she says.  And at once she has to dash off to teach her next class.   But….. whaaaaaaat?   As she walks out this little guy walks up.  He introduces himself as a web developer.  As we begin to talk I learn that he could use some advice.  For the next few hours I offer compassion for the confusion that comes with soul searching in your 20s for a sounding board on my business and what I wish to achieve.  Interesting, and as it turns out, quite inspiring. People talk to me.  I’ve always know that.  Maybe I need to give that some attention and build it into my plan.

Yesterday I spent in silence.  I’m reading Quantum Healing (Chopra) and A New Earth (Tolle).  I considered.  I snuggled with my puppy.  I napped.  Midafternoon I felt like working on “my stuff.” Beautiful day.

The thing is, I know where the perceived “conflict” exists.  Everything I read make my feelings more clear (and yea for expressing them last night!).  I don’t see exactly how to marry what the mind says and the heart wants.  This imbalance is not supporting me.  As always, the answer lies in time and faith.  I know how to and can manifest these things I want.  I know a lot of ways and I’m doing them.  Few times in life have I been stopped in my tracks by the chance that it might not work.  So what if it doesn’t work?  I am every bit of resilient.  I need to remember, where fear exists, love cannot.  Remember.

I still don’t know how it all fits together but I feel less funky and I have a logo :).

Maya, it’s not a one or the other.  We don’t need to know how it all fits now.  Don’t push anything or anyone.  Instead, keep letting go.  Keep dreaming, keep reaching.  In another month, more decisions can be made.  We know where the heart lies (and so does Grandma!).  That’s pretty awesome.  Have faith.

Allow attention to merge with endlessness.

shaithiyla

November 9, 2009

today is AP’s birthday.

it’s been an overwhelmingly sad day.  today i cannot ignore.

instead i write of gratitudes, in honor of this broken heart and where we sit today.

starting small in this moment, i am grateful for the jolly man at Whole Foods who recommended the Crackling Cauliflower and the Kung Pao Tofu tonight.  i am grateful to have the $6.14 to spend on this tasty dinner.

i am grateful my body not only survived but felt good enduring 3 75 minute vinyasa flow classes in a row these past 3 days.  i am grateful that my body, for the first time in 18 months, begins to feel again like it did when i first started taking vinyasa flow class years ago.  i am grateful to finally know my shoulder is healing.  i am grateful for my strength and my health, and to honor my body with the gift of movement and breathe.

i am grateful for the relationships that bless my life.  i am honored that people i met 7+ years ago drank tequila, shared a Maya home brew, vegetarian munchies and created a backyard dance party with me in celebration of my birthday.  what a joy to have come all this way together.

i am grateful for having tried with AP.  i am grateful for learning the love and the boundaries with this struggle.  i am even grateful that i’m not in Portland like i had planned.

AP, you have taught me about acceptance, faith and kindness.  you have shown me how people choose their own worst destiny in the favor of Ego.  you have shown me a yin and yang of love that somehow resolves what i experienced as a child and helps me forgive the confused, angry, lost adolescent i suffered with and struggled to understand for many years.

you also taught me to achieve my goals, if for no other reason than to escape a situation i could not control but would be damned to stay in.  you taught me humility.  you taught me the importance of owning my mistakes.  you taught me to apologize.  you taught me to respect and nurture the ones i love because i’m entitled to nothing from anyone.  you taught me to appreciate a job i don’t really like and instead see the opportunity it brings to my life.  you taught me that adversity is nearly always a result of an action or decision i made somewhere along the path.  you taught me to be curious about those truths, without (er… with little) criticism, but instead with an honest quest for truth and personal growth.  all of these things you taught me by demonstrating the opposite.

i’m grateful to be an intelligent, resilient, compassionate being.

my hopes for you on your birthday are that you learn a lesson, consider replacing anger and disappointment with gratitude and overcome the adversity you’ve created.

my hope for myself is that i continue to learn to speak my truth with love and honesty, even when it’s a difficult expression or i fear it will hurt the one who hears it.  i hope to stand a little taller and be a little louder in infinite growth.  i wish to stay in this place of acceptance and openness to the world of possibilities, relenquishing control in favor of opportunity and faith that my path reveals itself when i stay connected to good intention.  it has worked magically this year, because of you AP, and i thank you.

shaithilya.  loosening tension, allowing attention to merge with endlessness