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Everything Changes

June 5, 2012

I want to come back to this blog.  Actually, I’d prefer to return to the place I was writing prior to this blog.  The one that started 5+ years ago after my marriage dissolved.  As I was planning to move to Portland.  Life seems to be circling back in sychronicity.  It would be lovely to read those former posts.  I can’t remember the name of that blog.

It’s amazing how much changes.  And how much I forget.

Time passes beyond what I can hold onto.  Everything has changed.

Today, I am self employed.  Separately, I’m a business owner.  I’m a business partner.  I’ve grown to become a yoga teacher.  Where I was once uncertain, I now stand strong.  Sometimes I’m an educator.  I’m a speaker.  A listener.  An advisor.  I’m a researcher.  A challenger of paradigms.  I find myself trying to define what I Am.  What a strange pursuit.  Yet as someone self employed, I am constantly asked to tell people what I Am and what I Do.  They say people need to hear exact things I do.  So I keep trying.  This week I re-evaluate.  It’s been a year.  Time to Refine.

Sometimes I suffer with endometriosis.  I need to write about this.  I rejected the therapy that forces the body into menopause for a year.  I made it 2 years.   And it seems to be back.  It brought disabling pain and fear.  Right now I hope to stay out of the ER as I plan for an alternate treatment.  I need to make it through at least 2 or 3 more cycles.  I am scared.  And tearful.

I’m dating the sweetest man I’ve ever known.  Part of me does not want to say the sweetest because I’m blessed to know and have dated many sweet men.  Yet this man overwhelms me with sweetness.  Tears of sweetness fall from my eyes.  He’s gentle.  Smart.  He challenges the paradigm.  Yesterday he was scared about the endometriosis.  Last night I caught myself wondering whether he’s my healer; whether I’ve been looking for my healer; and whether we are all looking for our healers and maybe that’s a component to the term soul mates.

I need to come back here to say some things.  Now that I’m self employed, people come to me for advice.  Yoga students come for what they need.  I love giving to each of these Beautiful Souls.  It brings me great joy.  A few weeks ago I did a meditation retreat and the resounding message was:  I am Happy.  I am Happy.  At my deepest essence, I am Happy.

Sometimes I’m lonely.  The Sweetest Man is helping change that.  In the last year, I left my corporate job and the family I had created there in 5 years of service.  I’m alone a lot now.  3 of my best friends moved away.  I am grateful to my community and I am present to the reality of the shift.  It’s ok to acknowledge that I’m lonely.

I need to write.  I miss it.  I kept a personal journal much of last year but the habit has cycled out.  The cycles of life.  I don’t want to write in a journal.  This cycle, I need my little piece of the net.  Even if no one reads, it feels as if I’m talking to someone.  I’m grateful to talk to You.

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