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tequila, coffee and tears

January 23, 2010

someone near to me is homeless.  he is sick and miserable and i’ve done everything in the world that is also healthy for me to try to prevent this.  it didn’t work.

i remember when these issues came to light.  i can recall every minute detail of it actually.  i remember the day my gut told me to check on him before making any more plans to leave texas.   i remember the confusion and hopeful misinterpretation of that subconscious gurgle.  rethinking the ways and days it all unfolded a few short weeks later, it still doesn’t seem real to this day.  then the world planted a telephone pole across my car, the first shock on the course of changing my life forever.  it was just a car but it also wasn’t.  the dynamics of my heart and every relationship i had would be affected by the intimate witness of the path to homelessness.  i remember laughing when my optimism was cautioned that he was headed for the streets.  this is how people get there i was told.  the teller was right.

i remember how i felt when i uttered those cautionary words to him in fear and exasperation, pleading for him to get help because it would be enormously uncomfortable to live on the streets.  i remember the day, months later, when he told me that’s where he was.  he needed me to take his dog, and i couldn’t.  i felt it all that day – the inhumanity of a piece of me living on the streets, the suffering of the dog, the confusion of what this meant to those relationships, and enormous sadness.

i don’t think about these things often because it is still heartbreaking to me, for him.

i haven’t seen him in months but now i’m trying to figure out how to.  it’s not a matter of being unable to find him.  it’s a matter of not being able to find my relationship to it.  i’ve been ignoring this sadness.  i needed to for a while.  i needed to let him make his decisions for himself without my resentful energy making things worse.  i needed to reset myself, be connected with the peace of knowing i did everything i could, which i honestly know is true.

it’s been many months since i’ve seen him.  we only recently came back into communications.  somewhere the line got blurred between giving him space and choosing to ignore him.  this doesn’t serve me and i want to be released.  i finally recognized this, and after being kind of pissed about it for about a week, i set an intention – to find genuine love and compassion and humanity and offer it to him.  the first call was hard but the second got easier.  i listened.  it’s far less difficult to love when i listen.

i need to go see him.  JR is actually planning the visit.  maybe this is the year of his strength for this situation.  between now and then, i need to be authentic about my feelings and work through them.  tequila and tears with besties helped last night.  i’m certain this coffee and tears post will help.  another trip to visit family in denver will certainly restore my heart.  i want houston to release me.  i want to know uninhibited true love.  my only hope for accomplishing this is to understand a healthy forward relationship here.  i think the underlings are whispering of more opportunity.  maybe i’ll find the strength to visit the homelessness support organization this week.  maybe.  for now, the plan is – to keep sharing and setting healthy intentions, and keep a good watch for old patterns of destruction.  the answer is about to be revealed.  it’s almost frighteningly near.  i can feel it, and so can everyone in my circle of energy.  it’s interesting and in a way empowering and exciting… shift…

it might very well be impossible to judge when i’m really listening… but i am capable of simultaneously crying, being brave, and accepting… and i’m better for knowing both of these truths… in endlessness… hmm.

One Comment leave one →
  1. February 16, 2010 10:47 pm

    tough… hope you find clarity…

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