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listen to the heart

November 28, 2009

“But HOW gf?  How does it all fit together?”  I asked rather grumpily earlier this week. My mission, should I choose to forgo playing over the holiday weekend would be to give it some thought.

It’s been an insanely busy bunch here lately.  I remember looking at my calendar in September and realizing there wasn’t a single unplanned day for about 6 weeks – not a weekend day, not a weekend hour, an occasional weeknight hour was open but should be spent in yoga class since one of my teacher training requirements includes 4 yoga classes per week and my body was still building stamina.  Big 6 weeks, folks.  More than I planned turned up too, which meant my schedule got even fuller.  A couple of highlights include the Rainbow Kids Yoga training – wow!!!  This was part of my schedule but what I did not know was how inspiring the teacher would be.  I spent nearly every evening with both my teachers while he was in town.  After yoga class each night we cooked yummy veg, drank red wine and contemplated the peaceful warrior life.  I was asked to become a key member of my teacher’s nonprofit foundation which works with cancer patients.  I participated in my environmental nonprofit training.  It  has seriously been a powerful few weeks, and this is not even considering how my life changed in Barcelona.  The recurring theme was “Keep giving.  Do what you love and have faith that it will satisfy your needs.”  Ahhh… the spiritual life.

As I emerged from this series of inspiring events I found myself feeling the funk of my regular job.  There is nothing spiritual about what I spend 55 hours of my week dealing with.  It can be self-destructive if I let it.  Boo on me b/c I’ve been letting it.  I’ve been in a weird place because part of me connects with an underlying contentment, life is good, peacefulness that knows I am exactly where I should be, and the other part of me feel completely lost in my direction, beyond knowing that I’m grounded in my teacher training until April 2010.  Then I laugh b/c I think the teacher training is doing exactly what it should do if I’m feeling this way.  I feel like I have all of these pots of delicious goodies boiling (since I don’t bake) and in the midst of these tasty smells I am overwhelmed b/c I have no idea how to time them so that the meal comes together and I’m spending all my time doing the dishes instead of nurturing the food.  I know the menu is delectable but how does it all come together, especially if the bulk of my time is being spent on a chore?

I left work on Tuesday headed for tea with my teacher.  Her schedule is 2x as hectic as mine so we try far more often than we succeed at winding up on the same page.  She’s entirely awesome.  These Leos, it’s amazing to see the recurrence of how often I’m drawn to them (or them to me, I dunno).  As we sit down with Oolong, she asks me how I am.  “My job is killing me.”  She says, “Cancel, cancel cancel” since we’re working on our karma, hehe.  She brushes over it and begins to tell me she has more irons in the fire for me.  “Get your business up quickly.  We’re heating up and I need you to be ready to go,” she says.  And at once she has to dash off to teach her next class.   But….. whaaaaaaat?   As she walks out this little guy walks up.  He introduces himself as a web developer.  As we begin to talk I learn that he could use some advice.  For the next few hours I offer compassion for the confusion that comes with soul searching in your 20s for a sounding board on my business and what I wish to achieve.  Interesting, and as it turns out, quite inspiring. People talk to me.  I’ve always know that.  Maybe I need to give that some attention and build it into my plan.

Yesterday I spent in silence.  I’m reading Quantum Healing (Chopra) and A New Earth (Tolle).  I considered.  I snuggled with my puppy.  I napped.  Midafternoon I felt like working on “my stuff.” Beautiful day.

The thing is, I know where the perceived “conflict” exists.  Everything I read make my feelings more clear (and yea for expressing them last night!).  I don’t see exactly how to marry what the mind says and the heart wants.  This imbalance is not supporting me.  As always, the answer lies in time and faith.  I know how to and can manifest these things I want.  I know a lot of ways and I’m doing them.  Few times in life have I been stopped in my tracks by the chance that it might not work.  So what if it doesn’t work?  I am every bit of resilient.  I need to remember, where fear exists, love cannot.  Remember.

I still don’t know how it all fits together but I feel less funky and I have a logo :).

Maya, it’s not a one or the other.  We don’t need to know how it all fits now.  Don’t push anything or anyone.  Instead, keep letting go.  Keep dreaming, keep reaching.  In another month, more decisions can be made.  We know where the heart lies (and so does Grandma!).  That’s pretty awesome.  Have faith.

Allow attention to merge with endlessness.

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