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November 9, 2009

today is AP’s birthday.

it’s been an overwhelmingly sad day.  today i cannot ignore.

instead i write of gratitudes, in honor of this broken heart and where we sit today.

starting small in this moment, i am grateful for the jolly man at Whole Foods who recommended the Crackling Cauliflower and the Kung Pao Tofu tonight.  i am grateful to have the $6.14 to spend on this tasty dinner.

i am grateful my body not only survived but felt good enduring 3 75 minute vinyasa flow classes in a row these past 3 days.  i am grateful that my body, for the first time in 18 months, begins to feel again like it did when i first started taking vinyasa flow class years ago.  i am grateful to finally know my shoulder is healing.  i am grateful for my strength and my health, and to honor my body with the gift of movement and breathe.

i am grateful for the relationships that bless my life.  i am honored that people i met 7+ years ago drank tequila, shared a Maya home brew, vegetarian munchies and created a backyard dance party with me in celebration of my birthday.  what a joy to have come all this way together.

i am grateful for having tried with AP.  i am grateful for learning the love and the boundaries with this struggle.  i am even grateful that i’m not in Portland like i had planned.

AP, you have taught me about acceptance, faith and kindness.  you have shown me how people choose their own worst destiny in the favor of Ego.  you have shown me a yin and yang of love that somehow resolves what i experienced as a child and helps me forgive the confused, angry, lost adolescent i suffered with and struggled to understand for many years.

you also taught me to achieve my goals, if for no other reason than to escape a situation i could not control but would be damned to stay in.  you taught me humility.  you taught me the importance of owning my mistakes.  you taught me to apologize.  you taught me to respect and nurture the ones i love because i’m entitled to nothing from anyone.  you taught me to appreciate a job i don’t really like and instead see the opportunity it brings to my life.  you taught me that adversity is nearly always a result of an action or decision i made somewhere along the path.  you taught me to be curious about those truths, without (er… with little) criticism, but instead with an honest quest for truth and personal growth.  all of these things you taught me by demonstrating the opposite.

i’m grateful to be an intelligent, resilient, compassionate being.

my hopes for you on your birthday are that you learn a lesson, consider replacing anger and disappointment with gratitude and overcome the adversity you’ve created.

my hope for myself is that i continue to learn to speak my truth with love and honesty, even when it’s a difficult expression or i fear it will hurt the one who hears it.  i hope to stand a little taller and be a little louder in infinite growth.  i wish to stay in this place of acceptance and openness to the world of possibilities, relenquishing control in favor of opportunity and faith that my path reveals itself when i stay connected to good intention.  it has worked magically this year, because of you AP, and i thank you.

shaithilya.  loosening tension, allowing attention to merge with endlessness

One Comment leave one →
  1. sarahmae permalink
    November 10, 2009 7:54 pm

    Very beautifully written, my dear, sweet friend. You’re insight and growth are inspiring to me. I am so sorry I have been so deeply immersed in my own world of late that I haven’t really dug into yours. I love you and I am SO incredibly blessed that you are one of my CS’s 😉

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