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insomniac goes to portland

September 2, 2008

stillness is what i found.  it was everywhere.  i stepped off the plane and felt its embrace.  it was comforting.  and i fell in love, to the tune of my spirit’s song.

i am just back from an incredible trip to portland.  i can’t explain why but for several years i have had a fascination with portland even though the past weekend was my first visit.  i’ve read tons about it.  i’ve talked to many people who have traveled there.  i have always felt like it was the place for me… all of it based solely on a feeling, with no experience to draw from.

so i went.  and what i found was perfection.  it’s perfectly me there.  it’s green – the trees, the people, the food, the weather, the consciousness.  the water, oh, the water – not green, but beautiful blue, and still.  the overcastness is totally me.  everything i tried on fit (even my first pair of skinny jeans, which i bought on sale while i thoroughly enjoyed the no sales tax policy in portland).  i have a friend or two or three, awaiting my arrival.  i have a yoga class to attend.  i can connect.  i am received.  i would call portland the calm to my storm.

it occurred to me while i was away that all my restlessness and anxiety can be summarized in one simple statement:  i just want to be settled.  i have always just wanted to be settled but never could i find it.  momentarily, i held the joy of feeling settled into a future when david was in it.  then david turned out to be nothing more than a great love followed by a tremendous hurricane.  maybe david equates to my katrina.  even prior to david, though, i have yearned to be settled.  i have watched in envy as my friends found suitable mates, and known that their lives were perfectly planned out. here.  that they had a sense of belonging, which i have never, ever felt here, even with a life full of blessings of people that i love and who love me all around.  why wasn’t that enough for me?  i would agonize over this question, to always come back to my answer of – i just don’t belong.  it’s deeper than that, and not my fault or theirs.  after the levees of david’s sobriety broke and my world flooded with uncertainty, i realized that once my wounds were healed enough it was time to find my place in this world… a place that is not defined by the choices my parents made, or the choices my friends have made, or the choices of someone else i might cling to in hopes of finding my own stability.

i recognize the sadness that will set when i am faced with leaving my loved ones behind.  it is bittersweet that i find what i need away from here.  i am scared to tell my family but i know i will have their support, which i will desperately need.  and, hell, they are all just a direct flight away every time i need them.  i found the peace i need to let go of hometown without negativity, and instead with love.  when i go, it will not be running.  it will not be an aversion to here.  i am certain that the lessons i learn when i go will give me a lifetime of appreciation for what i have here, which i do love and appreciate and feel grateful for… but have possibly expressed more in my frustration and angst.

this weekend’s experience of just being in portland was exactly for me.  i could see me, and Sampson, creating a life for me there.  yes, i wanted to hug a tree, it’s true.  damn, they are pretty there.  all weekend i relished in the simplicity of breathing in the air, the oh so delicious air.  i paid attention to my gut.  i opened my heart.  i found exactly what i have been searching for.  my spirit sang.  i found an end point.  and i slept.  i am brilliantly excited about my adventures ahead.  and even more brilliantly excited that i don’t feel rushed, just motivated.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. personalinsight permalink
    September 2, 2008 2:59 pm

    Like I said before, I’m so very happy you found this. Everything you said makes perfect sense and seems to balance out just wonderfully with who you are and how you see the world. I am heartbroken to see you go, but at the same time so elated that you will be in a place that will allow you to remain free and at peace. You deserve that and much much more. I’ve already begun searching for flights for my future reference, as I’m sure you know I can’t live too long without seeing you. 🙂 I love you oodles and am so thrilled that you are taking this amazing leap forward.

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