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lost and found

June 17, 2008

2 days ago i lost it.  i totally LOST. MY. SHIT.  i cried uncontrollably and nonstop for at least 3 hours.  the reason for my meltdown was simply that i realized i had lost the inspiration, creativity, and gratitude that had been driving me through my happy life pre-surgery.  how incredibly sad it was to sit with this reality.  i’ve felt defective for weeks.  i’ve failed myself, my job, my health.  it’s been miserable.  it’s been insulting.  it’s been downright awful.  i haven’t felt like myself in so long.  i want to get back there. 

JJ* has been my warrior.  he’s been the warrior i’ve needed, to the nth degree.  he’s been a champion at my side.  for 2 of our 3 months together, he’s been nursing me in failing health, encouraging me to acknowledge my progress, ignoring my shitty attitudes, putting up with my “emotional tourette’s,” selflessly providing me comfort, putting up with my bad (confused) dog…  he’s made me laugh.  he’s given me safety.  he’s been patient and kind.  what a man!  he’s been the very best friend.  i am so grateful to have the blessing of this beautiful man in my life.

today is the first day in a loooooooooooooong time where i’ve felt even a little bit positive about what’s next.  looking back, i cannot believe how sick i’ve been.  i can’t believe the challenges i’ve faced.  i’m glad i didn’t give much thought to this shoulder surgery b/c i never considered worrying about everything i’ve been dealing with.  can’t say i’d agree to do this again, but hopefully one day i will feel like it was worth it.  i’ve had enough.  i’m ready for all of this to be over.  i’m encouraged that it will be soon.

some other good things that have happened over the past couple months for which i’m grateful:

1)  JR was disqualified for USMC service!!!  HOORAY!!!!!!!!!  he escaped orders for security in baghdad b/c of his injuries.  thank you thank you thank you!  my sweet baby brother is home, safe and sound.

2)  BF met (and got along quite well with) the family.  wow.

3)  i’ve stuck with my veghead diet, and rather than gaining weight in my sedentary state, i’ve lost more weight… totalling 18.5 pounds.  wow again.     

4) maybe, just maybe, i’ll getting past my hospital anxiety as a result of all of this.  i actually have fond memories of the 5 days i spent there.  pretty major…

5)  the Sailor is back to the states, safe and sound!

6)  maybe, just maybe, i’ll be strong enough to start my physical therapy sometime over the next week.  orders for 6 weeks of PT – which doesn’t seem too long, considering.  keeping things in perspective, i *may* even go back to a yoga class within the week – how awesome would that be?!?

all in all, today i feel like i’ve found it again.  i’m not back yet, but i think i’m on the road.   i’m no longer in a sling, and my post-surgery complication is almost gone.  that’s enough to help me find my footing again. 

i’m heading back to work tomorrow after being out for 2 weeks, and this time, i feel ready to face the world again.

_________________________________________________________________________

*JJ is my sweet boyfriend.  NB no longer seems like an appropriate nickname as we approach the 3 month, post-honeymooning period of our budding relationship 😉 

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