riding the dragon

xo

these days i’m sleeping hard and dreaming hard.  the dreams have been furious and erratic and i’m super glad they have returned.  i need to dream.  it was dark to live without dreams.  and that’s kind of how life felt for a while – yuck! 

there have been a few dreams in particular that are particularly stark.  one involved a friend who lives in Dallas and my yoga teacher.  i remembered some of the bizarre events of the dream but not the reading recommendation until a girlfriend came over a few days later with this book.  as she started telling me about it i instantly recalled the author’s name, not knowing where i had derived the information.  i was sure i had never heard of the book and it took me a while to recall it from the dream.  i could only remember the image of the person who told me to read it, my girlfriend suggested i search my dreams.  ummmmm…?  yes, i will read the book immediately. 

i recently dreamed about AP.  it was a highly emotional dream with vivid imagery.  i woke up shattered at 2 a.m (consistent w/ my insomnia patterns).  it did not keep me awake for too long as i shifted back into dreamland with more restful imagery.  this dream revisited me in savasana as we closed out our yoga practice last night.  think that’s a good thing.

i have enjoyed recapturing my time now that my teacher training is complete.  this past sunday felt like my own again.  i enjoyed my new pattern of leading a 9:45 vinyasa class, coming home and listening to This American Life as i prepare my tofu scramble brunch, and then catching an afternoon snooze before i tended to the house and the Sunday Stock.  it was really lovely.

i know i need to continue to rest.  i also want to do so in a manner that supports rejuvenation of my creative flow.  my dream feels distant, undefined and impalpable.  my biological clock is going through another “on” phase after a long enjoyed “off” period (yes, i did just go there even if single women in their 30s aren’t supposed to).  that statement alone probably summarizes this entire post, and so does this one - Things. Are. Stirring, folks.  i don’t want to get lost or lose the roll in my direction, and i don’t think i will. 

i’ve been wondering if i should sign up for an art class this summer.  or finally take that sewing class.  attend a lecture?  try out a dance class?  circus yoga?  maybe so, yes!  so long as it isn’t too structured or requiring much of a time commitment (like, beyond 2 hours)…  hmmm… maybe just that new yoga class this week (wink, wink).  

today i stumbled upon a project called Dream Lab.  it’s refered by an acquaintance* whose blog i stumbled upon at random chance today.  here’s what excites me about it:

We asked ourselves what class we most needed to take the answer was obvious– We needed a summer! We needed to learn how to play, to rest and to be kind to ourselves. As we thought about it more, we realized that these are key ingredients to manifesting dreams but they were glaring holes in our curriculum.

…

This is the thought that inspires me to no end: What would happen if we set aside our lists (our goals, our drive, struggle) for eight weeks? What would shift in our lives as a result of radical acts of play? of kindness? of rest? What would this clearing create space for in our hearts and in our lives?

i can’t wait to find out either.  the experience begins June 21st.  do you want to join us?

as we got out of the car we took notice of the blazing bbq pit emoting a charred fragrance.  it seemed we were just in time for dinner.  ”don’t knock” my friend said, catching my arm and pulling it away from the door.  “use the buzzer.”  a man answered the door, asked us if we had been there before.  my friend nodded yes, he asked us to come back in an hour and closed the door.  sensing our hesitation he reopened the door and said 15 minutes might be ok.  determined to know our fortune, we decided to wait it out at the drinkery nearby. 

i’d heard good things about the cocktails at this bar.  we found those good things to be true, and strong.  45 minutes later and half buzzed we went back to the psychic.  with only $20 left in our pockets we opted for palm readings instead of tarrot.  i went first.

“your heart is good.  very healthy.  no heart attack, no cancer, no disease.”  (umm… thanks).  “you will live until 96.  your man, 91.  you’re a writer.  you could write a romance novel.  hahahahaha  you should.  oooooh yeah.”  (oooooh yeah?)   “you’re a teacher!  what’s this?  you’ve been a teacher in many lives. ”  (ummmm.)   ”you have kids with this man?”  (man?  no, no kids yet.)  “you will.  boy!!!”  (i love boys!)  “yes!  2 boys and 1 girl.  hahahahahahaha”  

doing ok so far.  i find her laughing kind of fun.  she’s quite lovable actually.  i wanted her to tell me more.

“your soulmate is in your life now.”  (great!)  “i see 2 men.”  (not as great…)  “the one who is stable.  he’s always around.”  (yes!  great.)  “and the one who is all over the place.  he’s funny!  hahahahahaha  yes, funny man!  he’ll never change.”  (haha.  ha?)  “you should pack your suitcase.  be ready for his every whim.  hahahahahahaha  he’ll drive you mad!  he’ll never change.  he’s your Soulmate.”  (ha?)  “get rid of the other one.  the one who’s always there.  break up with him.  chase the other one.  he’s your soulmate.”  (haaaaaa… ppppppppthhhhhpt.  think it’s your turn, friend.)  “you like to drink hahahahahahahaha”  (nice one!)

great advice, yes? 

i can’t explain it but i find her to be such fun!  i still smile b/c she’s so adorable.  i sort of want to go back for a tarrot reading.  HA! 

but the advice.  really?  soulmate is a funny word.  so trendy even.  like the word “spiritual” and “connection.”  it’s interesting to observe the posturing with these words.  driving away my friend spent a few minutes considering the puzzle over who is my Soulmate.  all the while i felt unaffected and amused.  i think that’s the answer.  and it’s probably no coincidence i bought myself a pendulum when i purchased her birthday gift earlier in the day.  i had one up on the psychic.  i had already asked the pendulum about my relationship.  ha!!!

what a fun night! 

P.S.  heart wrenching sadness over the headline “Should we euthanize oil-soaked birds?“  let’s not talk about it, ok?  does anyone else have childhood memories of having to remove tar from their feet after trips to the beach?  ahhhh the life of a gulf coast child.  yikes.  and why do i feel so compelled to go to the ocean right now?  i haven’t wanted to go to galveston in at least 15 years.

Me, “The teabaggers are not worthy of examination.  They are employing post-Bushism tactics of arousing support with unmitigated negativity that includes the worst offenders to society:  fear, aggression, anger and racism.  Violence solves nothing.  They will self implode.  Their elected official’s libertarian policies fly in the face of the interests of their supporters.  Please don’t consider their techniques as an example for motivating change.  It’s not sustainable.”

Ivy made some concession as we had a quick laugh remembering “Keep your government hands off my Medicare.” 

Ivy suggests that nonviolence is a bankrupt philosophy.  Ouch.  I suggest that contributing violence to this world bankrupts society – violence in any form and at every level.    

I love Ivy.  We share a passion for a better earth, which is how we met, and often view solutions to a problem as if we were sitting on opposing sides of a seesaw.  Our relationship is special in that we often teeter between Ivy’s highly scientific and educated understanding of climate change (et al) and my intelligent yet heart centered, Hippie-ism response.  We are constantly learning from one another.  It’s beautiful.

I don’t know whether we resolved our differences on nonviolence.  I stand by my affections for it, as we discussed my most recent self challenge to study nonviolent communication.  I find myself here again and commit to learning more.  This examination begins of course with my own strengths and weaknesses, particularly the weaknesses.  In reflection, I recognize that calling members of the Tea Party “teabaggers” is an act of violence itself.  Violence is everywhere.  It’s in the words we choose, the paradigms we’ve learned and those we choose, it’s in the food we eat.  The scale is as huge  and complex as is the opportunity and path for growth. 

Another area where Ivy and I differ in opinion is on where to influence change.  Ivy envisions large scale organizational change.  Ivy has the tenacity to affect this change.  I really hope Ivy goes for it.  Ivy can do it.  I see Ivy struggle at the personal level, which is an interesting contrast, and where I’m the most effective.  Leading by example is comfortable to me because it’s the least intrusive to others.  I think of myself as quite passive, not in that I’m afraid to teach, but because it’s my preference to avoid conflict at almost any cost.  I know where I learned this behavior.  It’s an interesting paradigm.  What’s also interesting is that as often as Ivy and I disagree, not once have I felt defensive in debating our differences.

My first little nugget in this path to deepen my experience of nonviolence comes in the embracing that none of us are our worst behaviors.  It’s interesting to consider the reach of such truth, and how it challenges my relationship to conflict and communication.

prior to this i had only worked with the children.  my kids’ class is growing.  these beautiful little souls have taught me confidence in leading a class.  they have taught me to find the energy that’s needed to affect people, and share it.  each week brings something new.  it’s been interesting to consider how they say “what you are teaching is what you need to learn.”   

for my soulful vinyasa class i found my first lesson in love.  i resonated with: “the love that makes you happy is the love you give away.”  in my fantasy of designing this class i imagined a room full of students.  i thought about how i wanted to share this and how we’d generate love to give to ourselves, each other, someone we love, someone who is suffering, a crisis somewhere outside of our immediate attention.  i spent days creating the perfect playlist of heart opening music to inspire the soul to sing.  it was all really lovely, and completely overlooked the fact that i was teaching in a new time slot, kind of early on sunday mornings.  when only 1 student turned up for my first class, i laughed at my shortsightedness and proceeded to deliver really lovely class tailored to needs of my student sans share time.  he loved the music and had a ton of positive feedback about the energy of the class.  ever since, i have been thinking about being present to experience the happiness of the love i give away. 

i’ve been personally challenged in the last several days.  before receiving news that broke my heart, i was in a less than resourceful state.  i had been experiencing another prolonged bout of insomnia, suffering springtime allergies for the first time in my life, attempted a liver cleanse, had pms, intolerance with my employer, ups and downs of dating… ehhhh… nothing super major but irritating enough, finding myself in somewhat of a valley cycle of life.  the news came to me saturday morning.  this was my first weekend of no teacher training so i had committed myself to a weekend of catch up.  “life delivers us challenges when we are ready to face them.”  i was up to my elbows in spring cleaning when my brother called.  after we got off the phone, i had 3 challenges to face – teaching yoga to children, teaching vinyasa flow the next morning, and tending to the business we’d just discussed the following afternoon.  i had no idea where the energy would come from in order to succeed in these tasks.  in fact, i was quite terrified i would be a mess of tears at all 3 events.

i made a decision to serve my students.  the time they spent with me was not about me at all.  i needed and wanted to give.  i had one of the most connected classes with my kids that day.  i was a mess in the car ride home but i was satisfied i had shared with those kids.  the next morning i was not ready to teach vinyasa flow.  i had gotten out of bed at 5 a.m. and was dreading the events of the afternoon.  i drove to the studio hoping no one would show up for my class.  instead, i had 2 students.  again, i channeled service to my students and gave a great class.  in fact, one of my students, who is also a friend, told me after class that she was in such a state before my class and that my class was exactly what she needed.  she commented that i had shared so much energy in the class.  i was completely shocked.  literally had to pry my jaw off the floor in order to leave the studio.  in deciding to use only my heart, i had reached far beyond what my mind believed for myself. 

my 3rd attempt at giving love away was not as successful.  i’ve been learning to recognize distinctions* and this one was hard for me to understand before getting a full night of sleep (yay for sleeping last night!).  some people cannot accept love.  these people may be full of ego, they may be sick, they may be abusive, they may be insecure, they may be unhappy, they may be mean, they may be victims, they may be jealous, they can be a whole host of things that are unresourceful and toxic.  it can become confusing to distinguish the line between giving love and being compassionate.  i have struggled to define this in the relationship i speak of because there is a sense of obligation to this inherited** relationship and an honest desire to give love to a person who has none.  i suggest the line is drawn when the recipient resents the love you give.  my experience on sunday was harmful to me and possibly brought more suffering to the recipient.  possibly the love to give to him is the love i give from afar.  this is probably the most compassionate too.  if he comes back to me in a more resourceful state, possibly i can give directly to him again.  this feels good.

if we only focus on love we give, we can be happy.  this love is so grand because the ego never gets involved.  it is pure, it surprises us, it teaches us things, it never considers what we get in exchange, and most importantly it has no expectations attached to it. 

give love.  be happy.  be free. 

————————————————————————————-

*without explanation, which would be negative, i will share something that was recently illustrated in my life:  there is a difference between a snake and a serpent, and the distinction is important.

**inherited strikes me as an interesting word to consider in the context of our relationships and loyalties.  to be inherited does not mean to be worthy.

spring time is beginning here in texas.  there has been a lightness in my air over the last month.  this week has been all sunshine and the bluest skies. 

i began this last week attending Yoga in the Park.  never have i seen Houston stand so beautiful as the view of downtown from downward dog with sunshine on my back and stark blue sky crystaling in my vision.  over these last few incredible months yoga has been and continues to become my everything.  it’s my breathe, it’s my love, it’s my clarity.  i really should write about my yoga… i keep wondering what it is i have available to teach…

well… i put my kids class on the calendar!  that’s right, i’m playing teaching family yoga every Saturday!!!!!!!!   i decided to make it a donation based class rather than charging tuition.  for me, this opportunity is about learning to wear the hat of teacher, sharing love, and learning to inspire, clown and spread joy to parents and children. 

i worried my first class would not fill but much to my delight and surprise i had 11 kids show up.  i am amazed at how naturally my teaching flows.  i forget parents are in my circle of animal friend.   i fully transform into what my imagination creates us to be.  during our first class we learned the framework of the ancient yogis who lived in the forests.  we became them and visited our favorite animal friends, who rafted down the river with us at the end of class.  last week, we travelled to africa by surfing, riding hot air balloons, riding magic carpets, boating, riding the massage train.  after we arrived, our animal friends took us on a safari.  the adventures are endless!   

i am honored by the mom who’s eyes filling tears showed me the gratitude she felt as she thanked me for class and the joy her children take home.  i am encouraged and supported by the mom who, after their first class, asked if i could come teach at her son’s school. children progress from shyness the first week to bursting with personality and skills to show us the next.  i am overcome by the blessing of watching these bright lights grow and shine right before my eyes!!!!!!  last week i taught them to Om, Namaste, and they agreeably went into shivasana.  yes!  i am on the path of helping to teach them to love themselves, their bodies, each other, their parents, their neighbors, those who are different and those unique differences, animals, veggies and the earth.  yippieedidooooooo! 

my next endeavor is to develop an empowerment class for teen goddesses, or tweens, or whatever pop culture is calling girls in junior high school and high school.  i’m calling them goddesses.  i mentioned this idea to my teacher and she is thrilled.  i also want to take my kids class to a shelter.  oh yippee! 

i feel so good.  those 4 small words do not contain the volume of goodness i feel… it’s hard to believe or describe but i’ll try… i started my period today (sorry, it’s relevant) with no symptoms of pms.  in fact, the last few days i’ve felt glowy.  i wondered about this ease of appreciation of each delicate moment of life and physical delicious, knowing i would ordinarily be feeling some physical discomfort that AF was coming.  i am sleeping again after 2 years of insomnia nonsense.  i am successfully weaned from caffeine and energized by the clear head of caffeine free life.  i won’t patronize you by trying to say the 17 days it took me to get there were dreamy (they were more than uncomfortable).  i don’t miss my coffee.  in fact continuing to drink it while weaning was difficult.  my mind is serious when it makes a decision to stop something.  i love my herbal teas that keep my ritual burning. 

two weeks ago i visited a naturopath.  she’s like the missing link.  she shares my philosophy about food, medicine and lifestyle, and has a medical education.  she’s close to my age.  she’s a mom.  she’s formerly vegan.  she had The China Study sitting on the bookcase in her office.  she’s practiced yoga.  she’s basically at the top of awesome.  she spent 2 hours learning everything i could think to tell her about my experiences with medical care and life.  she was delighted by my success with using garlic as an antibiotic.  she can work me for optimizing health and treating dis-ease in a way that is consistent with my philosophy – so SO nice.  we reviewed the blood work from my last physical with the MD.  i learned that the normal range for those results was based on the average American… umm…… not exactly a comforting measurement.  we talked about my diet and how i’ve felt with vegetarian w/ dairy, vegan + fish, and vegan.  she confirmed that 100% vegan is not what’s best for me based on my blood type and my experiences.  she confirmed my allergy to dairy.  she thinks no nuts for me.  she playfully scolded me for being nervous about soy.  she listened to my body.  she confirmed my ideas that i should be on a probiotic and added a daily dose of flax oil to my mix.  she also gave me an herbal tincture and some herbal vitamins.  love.

oooh!  with the motivation and help of some AWESOME sister friend gardening GODDESSES i have created the beginnings of my spring vegetable garden, eeeeee!!!  we dug out an area of my yard that is 5 ft x 6 ft, tackled some snakes and a tree stump… oh yes we did!  we used the cinder blocks from my compost-FAIL to create the boundary.  i planted yellow squash, zucchini, green beans, arugula, strawberries, oregano and basil.  i’m seeding tomatillos… mmmm summer salsa.  i transplanted what’s still living from last year’s summer garden - onions, swiss chard, rosemary and lavender.  in a few weeks i’m adding TONS of pepper plants.  i’m also going to add tomatoes when i am comfortable the warmth is here to stay. 

i’ve been cooking less than i care to admit.  mostly roasting veggies and beans.  i am in love with a simple salad of spinach, avocado and kalamata olives with Bragg’s Healthy vinaigrette.  i’ve been eating this for lunch virtually every day of the last 3 weeks.  i’ve also been impressing people with my variation of the VCON chickpea patties.  i tend to add nooch and cut the bread crumbs.  one favorite way to serve this delish is with spaghetti squash and marinara loaded with mushrooms and onions.  last weekend i had mom over for lunch when i was craving this incredible hemp seed burger.   i made the burger foundation of the chickpea cutlet (+ nooch and sans bread crumbs), added finely chopped onions, celery and carrots, and flax meal.  i served them on seeded bread with lettuce, tomato and avocado, and roasted sweet potatoe fries on the side.  mom and i were in heaven.  

so… hmm… what else?  i am dreaming.   my vision has returned with clarity.  i have found my next vacation – circus yoga school and a shakti workshop in upstate new york!  i can’t wait!

i want to share one last thing before i go.  i’ve been seeing a new yoga instuctor.  i’m in awe of him actually.  he’s amazing and my body is changing enormously.  his energy is soothing.  i am considering studying with him next.  a few weeks ago he was talking about the (arguably) impossibility of quieting the mind.  my mind does not stop.  period.  while i would like to experience the benefits of meditation, i haven’t wanted to practice.  i do not enjoy struggling with requesting my mind to stop.  one of my yoga friends says he does not want his mind to quiet.  he quite likes his mind.  funny how i like pleasure and my friend likes what his mind says.  my teacher said that the mind will never stop, so instead of trying to stop it, maybe we could learn to ignore it.  that’s what he does.  he says the fastest was to exhaust yourself is to pay attention to the chatter of the mind.  so, let’s ignore the mind………. do cartwheels……… and make frog sounds.

i remember when these issues came to light.  i can recall every minute detail of it actually.  i remember the day my gut told me to check on him before making any more plans to leave texas.   i remember the confusion and hopeful misinterpretation of that subconscious gurgle.  rethinking the ways and days it all unfolded a few short weeks later, it still doesn’t seem real to this day.  then the world planted a telephone pole across my car, the first shock on the course of changing my life forever.  it was just a car but it also wasn’t.  the dynamics of my heart and every relationship i had would be affected by the intimate witness of the path to homelessness.  i remember laughing when my optimism was cautioned that he was headed for the streets.  this is how people get there i was told.  the teller was right.

i remember how i felt when i uttered those cautionary words to him in fear and exasperation, pleading for him to get help because it would be enormously uncomfortable to live on the streets.  i remember the day, months later, when he told me that’s where he was.  he needed me to take his dog, and i couldn’t.  i felt it all that day – the inhumanity of a piece of me living on the streets, the suffering of the dog, the confusion of what this meant to those relationships, and enormous sadness.

i don’t think about these things often because it is still heartbreaking to me, for him.

i haven’t seen him in months but now i’m trying to figure out how to.  it’s not a matter of being unable to find him.  it’s a matter of not being able to find my relationship to it.  i’ve been ignoring this sadness.  i needed to for a while.  i needed to let him make his decisions for himself without my resentful energy making things worse.  i needed to reset myself, be connected with the peace of knowing i did everything i could, which i honestly know is true.

it’s been many months since i’ve seen him.  we only recently came back into communications.  somewhere the line got blurred between giving him space and choosing to ignore him.  this doesn’t serve me and i want to be released.  i finally recognized this, and after being kind of pissed about it for about a week, i set an intention – to find genuine love and compassion and humanity and offer it to him.  the first call was hard but the second got easier.  i listened.  it’s far less difficult to love when i listen.

i need to go see him.  JR is actually planning the visit.  maybe this is the year of his strength for this situation.  between now and then, i need to be authentic about my feelings and work through them.  tequila and tears with besties helped last night.  i’m certain this coffee and tears post will help.  another trip to visit family in denver will certainly restore my heart.  i want houston to release me.  i want to know uninhibited true love.  my only hope for accomplishing this is to understand a healthy forward relationship here.  i think the underlings are whispering of more opportunity.  maybe i’ll find the strength to visit the homelessness support organization this week.  maybe.  for now, the plan is – to keep sharing and setting healthy intentions, and keep a good watch for old patterns of destruction.  the answer is about to be revealed.  it’s almost frighteningly near.  i can feel it, and so can everyone in my circle of energy.  it’s interesting and in a way empowering and exciting… shift…

it might very well be impossible to judge when i’m really listening… but i am capable of simultaneously crying, being brave, and accepting… and i’m better for knowing both of these truths… in endlessness… hmm.

i have not been cooking.  for a moment i start to say i have not been creating but i don’t think that is true.  i’ve been creating differently.  primarily i’ve been creating relationships.  not the juicy romantic relationships that would be ultra fun to blog about… maybe…  i’ve been trying new things, reaching out, looking at ways to be connected and learning things.  i noticed the reason i have not been cooking is that my sundays were my sort it out in the kitchen (and in my head days).  now my sundays are spent at yoga teacher training.  it’s been a crazy adjustment to commit 1 of 2 weekend days to this opportunity, envelope myself into the reading, the extra classes, continue nurturing all of the other lovelies in my life, and find some kind of balance for myself alone.  

something had to give but not my diet, mane.  it was awesome to finally recognized the cooking thing.  these last 2 weeks i have succeeded in getting my beans soaking on saturdays (thanks JP for the suggest) and getting sunday stock on early sunday morning (thanks Momma for the crockpot).  last week i had a FABULOUS mushroom and navy bean stew, and this week i have another FABULOUS cabbage and lentil stew.  this simple thing brings me such happiness.

i’ve had mostly ups.  up until last week, that is, when i hit a good stretch of fun-ky down.   i say a good stretch with a bit of a laugh b/c now that i’m feeling better i realize i think i’ve had only a couple bits of down this year… and considering the things i could have gotten down into, that’s a pretty good thing.  the downs were treated with compassion this year, something i haven’t managed as well in years past.  i took some time out.  i paid attention to what it was in my emotions and i shared it.  i skipped yoga.  i went for a manicure.  i went for cocktails when that’s what i darned well pleased.  i recognized the seasonal change and i knew, i believed, that with time, love and compassion, my body would restore its balance.  thank you body for doing your thing right like you have done.

in hindsight, i could have taken that sadface to yoga.  i underestimated my new friends.  i shared with them this week and i know they understand.  they are some awesome possum new sisters.  turns out 1/2 of us skipped out on yoga that day.  those that did attend were also funky.  funky is authentic and perfectly appropriate to share.  it was nice to compare these days, and observe a pattern amongst us.     

i had a fantastic bunch of merry holidays.  i enjoyed being with my family so much.  we went out on the town to celebrate grandma’s birthday on christmas eve.  i cooked knock your stockings off veg enchiladas christmas day.  the rest of the fam damily came over to close out our 3 day event with cases of mimosas, bloody marys, wine, and a veg friendly meal of masters, excepting only the turkey.  i stayed in the burbs where mom lives, close to my Besties from HS.  i loved being there and that those days enabled me to spend some quality time with all of them. 

i’m not so huge on gifts but there are some things that stick out.  firstly, Bestie surprised me with the most beautiful turquoise necklace.  i was so touched by this gift since i have been looking for turquoise since before Barcelona.  i felt like it should be a necklace but i hadn’t found anything that was right.  while doing some christmas shopping, for her gift actually, i found an exactly right $15 turquoise bracelet.  i was excited by the bracelet b/c it replaced the bracelet David gave me years ago and i had still been wearing.  Bestie hadn’t seen the bracelet and i doubt she knew how much this turquoise quest has meant to me… so imagine my delight when i open her gift and it’s the exact right turquoise necklace i had in mind (and a perfect match to my bracelet).  it reminded me of the christmas we were synched up enough to buy each other the same gift and the same card!  much has changed since those high school days , obviously, so it was utter delight to experience that moment of oneness with her again.  i will cherish this turquoise set always and forever.

mom got me Osho Zen Tarot cards.  we had tons of fun with readings.  she also got me The China Study (i know, how have i not read this book yet?  i’m excited and my yogis want to book swap our extra reading.  this will make for great circulation.)

i woke up yesterday morning completely refreshed.  i popped out of bed and was not drawn to the tv (YAY!).  i spent time with Yoga Anatomy. i perused the internets.  i found that my yoga friend’s blog had something to say about holistic healing for depression, interesting.   she suggests Bach’s flowers, nature and connecting with others as methods of getting over the hump.  apparently that was the last kicker i needed to go for a run?!?  a 3 mile jaunt in the park before power vinyasa flow, really?  it felt good and the sun was something amazing.  today i’m crazy sore and a bit bothered about the idea of what it will feel like to stretch this out… but i did skip my yoga last week, so this pain is probably deserved…

today i began reading The HeartMath Solution.  i was going to wait to read this on the plane later this week but it’s doubtful i will hold onto it for that long.  speaking of planes, i’m over the moon, you awful retrograde meanie moon, EXCITED about my new year’s plans in denver.  i haven’t a clue what those plans entail aside from merely showing up but i couldn’t be more thrilled about visiting my special, special friend and her gorgeous family for this year’s sacred holiday. 

if i end on this note, i’ve failed to mention only one thing still left in this boggle of mind: it’s AP, and i need to figure out my next step.  now that he’s chosen his path, i need to determine my relationship to it.  i think the distance has been defined and it’s time to ignore less.  it’s time to accept and give love and compassion, in a healthy way.  hmmm…

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I’ve never had cancer and yet to be diagnosed with a terminal or acute illness.  At age 30, that is fairly normal and a huge blessing.  What I began experiencing at the young age of 19 was chronic depression.  It’s possible the onset of this disease was sooner but it was at 19 years old when I became conscious of the gravity of this condition.  For the next 8 years I would struggle with understanding my symptoms and finding an appropriate way of healing.  This journey is the basis of my understanding of the book Quantum Healing. 

I’m blown away in learning about how the molecules of our brain function, and particularly how they are ever changing and play a role in healing (or possibly enhancing) our experience of disease.  My yoga practice has taught me about creating light and moving energy into the space it’s needed.  I am curious about Chopra’s characterization of the use of meditation and channeling healing energy to see the results of spontaneous healing.  Quantum Healing helps me understand why traditional Western teachings on science, the human body and even religion have never engaged me.  I am delighted in new interests and understandings.  For the very first time I feel connected to miracles and stories of Jesus Christ as I consider energy as a method of healing beyond what can be proven by the scientific method.

I believe the symptoms of depression I experienced were simply a manifestation of my enormously imbalanced energies.  I was all thought, seeking to delete the sounds of my emotion and my feelings based on what I experienced in the household where I grew up. Not only this, most of those thoughts were judging, ego driven responses.  Western physicians called my experiences a chemical imbalance in my brain.  My doctors compared the diagnosis of depression as being similar to receiving a diagnosis of Strep Throat. When I resisted medication for depression I was asked whether I would accept an antibiotic if that were the case instead. With this logical box, I accepted a pharmaceutical antidepressant as my first course of treatment.  I found some relief of the symptoms, mainly a muting of the negative attitudes and experiences I had that were preventing me from carrying on with a “normal” life.  I also experienced a number of side effects from the drugs.  There was one weekend the side effects of an improper medication cocktail seeking to address my symptoms of depression and competing insomnia deeply terrified me.  I was touched by Chopra’s discussion of the use of pharmaceutical medications for one thing and the use of more drugs to control side effects and other resulting dis-ease.  My doctors were constantly making adjustments, some things worse than others, and the bottom line was always that I never felt treated.  Instead I felt numbed.  Eventually I became disenchanted by the magic medication.  Looking back, I think it’s interesting that diet, exercise and spirituality were not considered by any of my treating physicians. 

Eventually I would seek out other methods of healing this disease.  But first I would be blessed with an enormous heart opening experience, which came in the form of heart break and deep loss.  In this experience I wanted to actually heal.  I feared being placed on higher doses of medication to keep my feelings and emotions numbed in order to face the grieving process and maintain daily function.  I feared I would fall into old behavioral patterns of mismanagement of the symptoms which had never been healed.  It was this experience that helped me hear the cries of my spirit for the first time.  This is when I would learn about my chakras, to listen, to pay attention to what was going on beyond my thoughts, to move energy, to enable the creation of balance and healing.  Consequently, this is also when I discovered yoga and radically changed my diet.  I became a student of the mindbody interrelations, changing my course of intelligence-only culture, an experience that was creating so much disconnection and imbalance I needed a pharmaceutical to cope.  I now recognize my symptoms of disease differently and understand how to apply mindbody techniques to create healing.   I am fascinated to learn that these techniques can be furthered to manage much more severe disease and generate healing as Chopra has achieved.  I am excited by this knowledge.  It sings in my spirit. 

I had no idea that our composition, down to the cellular level is in fact constantly changing.  My mind has again been opened so broadly to possibility and questions.  I cannot wait to learn more in HeartMath Solution and The Field.  Quantum physics, bring it on!

last night i drudged myself to another event.  i say drudged b/c dangit i’m tired.  i’ve had something planned all but 1 night this week, which was actually a planned night but the weather was so bad it took me home, cancelling the plans.  i’ve decided that instead of trying to lessen my schedule, i can probably instead increase my energy.  i am enjoying so much of everything everywhere, so long as i’m doing what i love, i don’t want that to change.  i know there is a way to squeeze more energy out of my diet, i will take a closer look. 

the event was a mayoral runoff candidate meet and greet with the city’s greenest city planning organizations.  our organization managed to become a co-host with four other fine groups.  you know it’s a good event when every single candidate in a group of 12 makes a point to show up.  the room was full of innovators and positive vision.  the spirit was contagious.   i was so happy to be one of the new kids there, and loved how the room was looking to the people my age to self create and dream big solutions.  it’s our world to make better! 

i walked away from that event with something else added to my schedule: my first very own kids yoga class to be held at an urban nonprofit community farm next saturday!!!  um… kids yoga at the inner city organic farm, seriously?  there’s a drum circle, seriously?  yes indeed!!!!!!!!

this week i have been considering intelligence (book report to coming soon).  i had no idea that we use such a small capacity of our intelligence.  even Einstein’s brilliant mind is estimated to have only utilized 15-20% of his intelligence.  wow.  i am also learning about anatomy and physiology, and quantum physics.  me, connecting meaningful thought with those biology books i could only become frustrated with as my poor teachers tried to engage my attention with them in grade school.  i am beginning to find articulation of the mission of my business.  in this, i have added 4 more books to my progressively longer reading list.  3 books about Gandhi and Mandela’s autobiography.  i have 2 friends helping to photograph headshots of me.  i have 2 friends helping to create and design my website.  i have an article that is being published, with a request for more.  it’s amazing how much a week can bring when i’m conscious of being open and surprised, letting go of limitations and considering ways to keep giving in the energy that is supporting me. 

i have been thinking about bigger questions.  to me, thinking outside the cage means to question the paradigms that stand in my way.  i have been living this in seeking to understand myself.  now i’m blessed with opportunity to take that further, to push my intelligence, continue to grow.  i believe in a shift.  i can create and become everything that is.  that blows me away, every time.