Learning to communicate what I have experienced and what I am learning.
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I’ve never had cancer and yet to be diagnosed with a terminal or acute illness. At age 30, that is fairly normal and a huge blessing. What I began experiencing at the young age of 19 was chronic depression. It’s possible the onset of this disease was sooner but it was at 19 years old when I became conscious of the gravity of this condition. For the next 8 years I would struggle with understanding my symptoms and finding an appropriate way of healing. This journey is the basis of my understanding of the book Quantum Healing.
I’m blown away in learning about how the molecules of our brain function, and particularly how they are ever changing and play a role in healing (or possibly enhancing) our experience of disease. My yoga practice has taught me about creating light and moving energy into the space it’s needed. I am curious about Chopra’s characterization of the use of meditation and channeling healing energy to see the results of spontaneous healing. Quantum Healing helps me understand why traditional Western teachings on science, the human body and even religion have never engaged me. I am delighted in new interests and understandings. For the very first time I feel connected to miracles and stories of Jesus Christ as I consider energy as a method of healing beyond what can be proven by the scientific method.
I believe the symptoms of depression I experienced were simply a manifestation of my enormously imbalanced energies. I was all thought, seeking to delete the sounds of my emotion and my feelings based on what I experienced in the household where I grew up. Not only this, most of those thoughts were judging, ego driven responses. Western physicians called my experiences a chemical imbalance in my brain. My doctors compared the diagnosis of depression as being similar to receiving a diagnosis of Strep Throat. When I resisted medication for depression I was asked whether I would accept an antibiotic if that were the case instead. With this logical box, I accepted a pharmaceutical antidepressant as my first course of treatment. I found some relief of the symptoms, mainly a muting of the negative attitudes and experiences I had that were preventing me from carrying on with a “normal” life. I also experienced a number of side effects from the drugs. There was one weekend the side effects of an improper medication cocktail seeking to address my symptoms of depression and competing insomnia deeply terrified me. I was touched by Chopra’s discussion of the use of pharmaceutical medications for one thing and the use of more drugs to control side effects and other resulting dis-ease. My doctors were constantly making adjustments, some things worse than others, and the bottom line was always that I never felt treated. Instead I felt numbed. Eventually I became disenchanted by the magic medication. Looking back, I think it’s interesting that diet, exercise and spirituality were not considered by any of my treating physicians.
Eventually I would seek out other methods of healing this disease. But first I would be blessed with an enormous heart opening experience, which came in the form of heart break and deep loss. In this experience I wanted to actually heal. I feared being placed on higher doses of medication to keep my feelings and emotions numbed in order to face the grieving process and maintain daily function. I feared I would fall into old behavioral patterns of mismanagement of the symptoms which had never been healed. It was this experience that helped me hear the cries of my spirit for the first time. This is when I would learn about my chakras, to listen, to pay attention to what was going on beyond my thoughts, to move energy, to enable the creation of balance and healing. Consequently, this is also when I discovered yoga and radically changed my diet. I became a student of the mindbody interrelations, changing my course of intelligence-only culture, an experience that was creating so much disconnection and imbalance I needed a pharmaceutical to cope. I now recognize my symptoms of disease differently and understand how to apply mindbody techniques to create healing. I am fascinated to learn that these techniques can be furthered to manage much more severe disease and generate healing as Chopra has achieved. I am excited by this knowledge. It sings in my spirit.
I had no idea that our composition, down to the cellular level is in fact constantly changing. My mind has again been opened so broadly to possibility and questions. I cannot wait to learn more in HeartMath Solution and The Field. Quantum physics, bring it on!
this morning i had a perfect moment of joy. i had gotten up early to help a dear friend get to the surgery center. after dropping her off, i had almost an hour before picking up my boss and heading to work. i stopped at a coffee shop nearby his house, ordered the biggest coffee i could find (why don’t they serve coffee in gallons on fridays?) and found a cozy chair to curl up with the last 50 pages of Quantum Healing. the clouds have been gorgeous this week, with snow anticipated for today. another good friend is in labor. i looked up to see a man sitting with his daughter (8 y.o.?) nearby. after settling in with their coffee, milk and donuts and chatting a bit, he pulled out a book and started reading to her. it was a beautiful present unexpected, unplanned moment. it brought tears to my eyes, and a place of serenity to acknowledge yet another week of awesome and amazing surprises.
last night i drudged myself to another event. i say drudged b/c dangit i’m tired. i’ve had something planned all but 1 night this week, which was actually a planned night but the weather was so bad it took me home, cancelling the plans. i’ve decided that instead of trying to lessen my schedule, i can probably instead increase my energy. i am enjoying so much of everything everywhere, so long as i’m doing what i love, i don’t want that to change. i know there is a way to squeeze more energy out of my diet, i will take a closer look.
the event was a mayoral runoff candidate meet and greet with the city’s greenest city planning organizations. our organization managed to become a co-host with four other fine groups. you know it’s a good event when every single candidate in a group of 12 makes a point to show up. the room was full of innovators and positive vision. the spirit was contagious. i was so happy to be one of the new kids there, and loved how the room was looking to the people my age to self create and dream big solutions. it’s our world to make better!
i walked away from that event with something else added to my schedule: my first very own kids yoga class to be held at an urban nonprofit community farm next saturday!!! um… kids yoga at the inner city organic farm, seriously? there’s a drum circle, seriously? yes indeed!!!!!!!!
this week i have been considering intelligence (book report to coming soon). i had no idea that we use such a small capacity of our intelligence. even Einstein’s brilliant mind is estimated to have only utilized 15-20% of his intelligence. wow. i am also learning about anatomy and physiology, and quantum physics. me, connecting meaningful thought with those biology books i could only become frustrated with as my poor teachers tried to engage my attention with them in grade school. i am beginning to find articulation of the mission of my business. in this, i have added 4 more books to my progressively longer reading list. 3 books about Gandhi and Mandela’s autobiography. i have 2 friends helping to photograph headshots of me. i have 2 friends helping to create and design my website. i have an article that is being published, with a request for more. it’s amazing how much a week can bring when i’m conscious of being open and surprised, letting go of limitations and considering ways to keep giving in the energy that is supporting me.
i have been thinking about bigger questions. to me, thinking outside the cage means to question the paradigms that stand in my way. i have been living this in seeking to understand myself. now i’m blessed with opportunity to take that further, to push my intelligence, continue to grow. i believe in a shift. i can create and become everything that is. that blows me away, every time.
“But HOW gf? How does it all fit together?” I asked rather grumpily earlier this week. My mission, should I choose to forgo playing over the holiday weekend would be to give it some thought.
It’s been an insanely busy bunch here lately. I remember looking at my calendar in September and realizing there wasn’t a single unplanned day for about 6 weeks – not a weekend day, not a weekend hour, an occasional weeknight hour was open but should be spent in yoga class since one of my teacher training requirements includes 4 yoga classes per week and my body was still building stamina. Big 6 weeks, folks. More than I planned turned up too, which meant my schedule got even fuller. A couple of highlights include the Rainbow Kids Yoga training – wow!!! This was part of my schedule but what I did not know was how inspiring the teacher would be. I spent nearly every evening with both my teachers while he was in town. After yoga class each night we cooked yummy veg, drank red wine and contemplated the peaceful warrior life. I was asked to become a key member of my teacher’s nonprofit foundation which works with cancer patients. I participated in my environmental nonprofit training. It has seriously been a powerful few weeks, and this is not even considering how my life changed in Barcelona. The recurring theme was “Keep giving. Do what you love and have faith that it will satisfy your needs.” Ahhh… the spiritual life.
As I emerged from this series of inspiring events I found myself feeling the funk of my regular job. There is nothing spiritual about what I spend 55 hours of my week dealing with. It can be self-destructive if I let it. Boo on me b/c I’ve been letting it. I’ve been in a weird place because part of me connects with an underlying contentment, life is good, peacefulness that knows I am exactly where I should be, and the other part of me feel completely lost in my direction, beyond knowing that I’m grounded in my teacher training until April 2010. Then I laugh b/c I think the teacher training is doing exactly what it should do if I’m feeling this way. I feel like I have all of these pots of delicious goodies boiling (since I don’t bake) and in the midst of these tasty smells I am overwhelmed b/c I have no idea how to time them so that the meal comes together and I’m spending all my time doing the dishes instead of nurturing the food. I know the menu is delectable but how does it all come together, especially if the bulk of my time is being spent on a chore?
I left work on Tuesday headed for tea with my teacher. Her schedule is 2x as hectic as mine so we try far more often than we succeed at winding up on the same page. She’s entirely awesome. These Leos, it’s amazing to see the recurrence of how often I’m drawn to them (or them to me, I dunno). As we sit down with Oolong, she asks me how I am. “My job is killing me.” She says, “Cancel, cancel cancel” since we’re working on our karma, hehe. She brushes over it and begins to tell me she has more irons in the fire for me. “Get your business up quickly. We’re heating up and I need you to be ready to go,” she says. And at once she has to dash off to teach her next class. But….. whaaaaaaat? As she walks out this little guy walks up. He introduces himself as a web developer. As we begin to talk I learn that he could use some advice. For the next few hours I offer compassion for the confusion that comes with soul searching in your 20s for a sounding board on my business and what I wish to achieve. Interesting, and as it turns out, quite inspiring. People talk to me. I’ve always know that. Maybe I need to give that some attention and build it into my plan.
Yesterday I spent in silence. I’m reading Quantum Healing (Chopra) and A New Earth (Tolle). I considered. I snuggled with my puppy. I napped. Midafternoon I felt like working on “my stuff.” Beautiful day.
The thing is, I know where the perceived “conflict” exists. Everything I read make my feelings more clear (and yea for expressing them last night!). I don’t see exactly how to marry what the mind says and the heart wants. This imbalance is not supporting me. As always, the answer lies in time and faith. I know how to and can manifest these things I want. I know a lot of ways and I’m doing them. Few times in life have I been stopped in my tracks by the chance that it might not work. So what if it doesn’t work? I am every bit of resilient. I need to remember, where fear exists, love cannot. Remember.
I still don’t know how it all fits together but I feel less funky and I have a logo 
.
Maya, it’s not a one or the other. We don’t need to know how it all fits now. Don’t push anything or anyone. Instead, keep letting go. Keep dreaming, keep reaching. In another month, more decisions can be made. We know where the heart lies (and so does Grandma!). That’s pretty awesome. Have faith.
Allow attention to merge with endlessness.
today is AP’s birthday.
it’s been an overwhelmingly sad day. today i cannot ignore.
instead i write of gratitudes, in honor of this broken heart and where we sit today.
starting small in this moment, i am grateful for the jolly man at Whole Foods who recommended the Crackling Cauliflower and the Kung Pao Tofu tonight. i am grateful to have the $6.14 to spend on this tasty dinner.
i am grateful my body not only survived but felt good enduring 3 75 minute vinyasa flow classes in a row these past 3 days. i am grateful that my body, for the first time in 18 months, begins to feel again like it did when i first started taking vinyasa flow class years ago. i am grateful to finally know my shoulder is healing. i am grateful for my strength and my health, and to honor my body with the gift of movement and breathe.
i am grateful for the relationships that bless my life. i am honored that people i met 7+ years ago drank tequila, shared a Maya home brew, vegetarian munchies and created a backyard dance party with me in celebration of my birthday. what a joy to have come all this way together.
i am grateful for having tried with AP. i am grateful for learning the love and the boundaries with this struggle. i am even grateful that i’m not in Portland like i had planned.
AP, you have taught me about acceptance, faith and kindness. you have shown me how people choose their own worst destiny in the favor of Ego. you have shown me a yin and yang of love that somehow resolves what i experienced as a child and helps me forgive the confused, angry, lost adolescent i suffered with and struggled to understand for many years.
you also taught me to achieve my goals, if for no other reason than to escape a situation i could not control but would be damned to stay in. you taught me humility. you taught me the importance of owning my mistakes. you taught me to apologize. you taught me to respect and nurture the ones i love because i’m entitled to nothing from anyone. you taught me to appreciate a job i don’t really like and instead see the opportunity it brings to my life. you taught me that adversity is nearly always a result of an action or decision i made somewhere along the path. you taught me to be curious about those truths, without (er… with little) criticism, but instead with an honest quest for truth and personal growth. all of these things you taught me by demonstrating the opposite.
i’m grateful to be an intelligent, resilient, compassionate being.
my hopes for you on your birthday are that you learn a lesson, consider replacing anger and disappointment with gratitude and overcome the adversity you’ve created.
my hope for myself is that i continue to learn to speak my truth with love and honesty, even when it’s a difficult expression or i fear it will hurt the one who hears it. i hope to stand a little taller and be a little louder in infinite growth. i wish to stay in this place of acceptance and openness to the world of possibilities, relenquishing control in favor of opportunity and faith that my path reveals itself when i stay connected to good intention. it has worked magically this year, because of you AP, and i thank you.
shaithilya. loosening tension, allowing attention to merge with endlessness
where i’ve been
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. seems like a completely disjointed draft of this post was published unintentionally, ahhh, well, if you saw the draft of mixed up, here’s how the thought process changed into what i mean to say……….
europe, oh enchanted, beautiful, easy to simply be place. i had almost forgotten. until i was completely and utterly blown away by your majesty, again.
my 30s are lovely and amazing, and already bringing me a different slice of life. there’s a touch of grace in that i’ve never felt closer to my Grandmother. i feel as though i’m wrapped in a humbling new cloak. i feel a bit like cuddling up in it and not sharing much right now.
so much has been on my mind lately and none of it cooking (in the kitchen, that is). with the close of my first, and 50% completed Vegan MOFO, i bid my food blogging farewell for a while. it’s fantastic to have reached the point where i’ve happily settled into veg routines. the blog has really helped, and now i’m ready to move along.
priorities, relationships, boundaries, share space, other interests, other things, all will find a proper shift to this new positioning. i’m not sure where this blog will go next, or when. i guess time will tell.
until then, i offer you the first part of my reading list as food for thought and to answer any questions about the source of my introspection:
Warrior of the Light, Paulo Coelho
Yoga Anatomy, Leslie Kaminoff
The Shambhala Guide to Yoga, Georg Feuerstein
The Heartmath Solution, Doc Lew Childre
Quantum Healing, Deepak Chopra
The Field, Lynne McTaggart
A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle
Molecules of Emotion, Candace B. Pert
Thirst for Wholeness, Christina Grof
The Self-Aware Universe, Amit Goswami
Boundless Energy, Deepak Chopra
Shakti Mantras, Thomas Ashley-Farrand
Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
Tantra: The Path of Ecstasy, Georg Feuerstein
Bono, you crazy, inspiring, humanitarian You… you messed with my MOFO! if i hadn’t fallen madly in love with you last night, i might hold it against you that the world stopped when you hit the stage, and a MOFO post went missing. jeez. please. do. it. again.
bud up bup bup ba buuuuuuuuu… you got me stuck in a moment…. and i can’t get out of it……….
errr something. who knows, i was too busy dancing and singing and tearing up in sheer awe of something so great. how do i love the passionate, philanthropic type. in your honor, and to win back the love of the MOFO, ahem, i say let’s make little irish vegan babies!
then, and only then, will i share my Black Bean Yummers with you, but keep your guitar jamming hands off vegman’s tequila, k? them are fighting words.
essentially, what you see is this recipe, which i ABSOLUTELY LOVE, and is generally a party pleaser so long as i don’t use the word “hummus.” i don’t have much new to add to that recipe other than mad love for it, and another hefty thanks to SusanV.
however, i learned one new tip this last time i made it so i thought i’d pass on. i brought fantasia to a casual afternoon gathering where the plan and easy meal of DIY sandwiches. it was an informal deal of friends and fun. delicious on its own, ya know. one great thing about DIY sandwiches is that we can score with a range of tasty breads and good veg, and if its a really good day there are olive relishes alongside. boy was i in luck with the offerings at this partee! my friends are great so i had no worries. obvs i skipped the cold cut, and instead lathered up my bread with this bean dip, then loaded up on lettuce, tomato, onion, etc. MMMMMMMMMM.
back in omni days, i was a breakfast lover. i loved me a piled up carni breakfast too. forget cereal or pastries.
breakfast sort of went out the window when i stopped eating meat. generally breakfast is now a piece of fruit. a small sacrifice, and much healthier choice. and i can still linger in the pleasures of my coffee and nondairy moments.
this recent discovery launches veg breakfast to new levels in my world. here’s an answer to the “i want more than an apple but not tofu or breads” desire. plus, it’s a taco, so this baby gets vegman very excited:
refried black beans, oven roasted sweet and regular potatoe combo, chopped poblano pepper
holy smokes, i thought i’d never find such a beautiful LAZY vegan go-to breakfast of this kind. this here taco will fuel building an empire or dampen the next day wine stomach. sweet jesus, i’m a happy veg.
i love me some stocking in that kitchen. SIGH
WHOOooooooo-YA! as of the 12th of october, i have now satisfied my 4 ”planned” MOFO themes *no fail.* almost 1/2 way there, guy/als, and only 9 nine days left until i cross over to my 30s, and OMG i’ll be heading to Barcelona on Saturday!!!!!!! singing, and strumming my bongo, “Bye… Bye…“ oh, your ears? can’t carry a tune and i have no rhythm? ahhhh well, i’ll get back to business.
speaking of business, there’s so much to be excited about right now when i stop focusing on my current J-O-B, including growing my very own new business, being recognized as a cofounder of the awesome organization i’ve been donating time to this year, an unexpected adventure down the path of a 200 hour yoga teacher training, and a yoga kids training. wow. i knew MOFO would be good but never had i considered this much goodness to roll my way at once. that’s right folks, many of shifts took movement in October, and the surprise of teacher training started yesterday! more on these great things another time. one day i will have the juice on a sychronicities post, which keeps getting wider and wider. for now, i just wanted a little stir on the other MOFO goodness i’m cooking up……..
not spain, not vinyasa flow, not Paulo nor Deepak, can trump my excitement for these beans:
Call it Chili, Call it Beans, Call it AWESOME
Pintos, Kidneys & Black Beans (4 cans total, dried beans would also work)
20oz organic stewed tomatoes
2 homegrown poblano peppers
2 homegrown anaheim peppers
1 green bell pepper
5 serrano peppers, seeded
1 yellow onion
6 cloves of garlic
juice of 2 limes
sea salt
dash of fresh cracked pepper
i let it stew on a slow rolling boil for about 3 hours before serving. as you can see, i loaded up a bowl with handfuls of fresh chopped cilantro and 1/2 a small avocado. i also squeezed another bit of lime on top before diving in to the best damn beans i’ve ever tasted.
it can be a struggle and a challenge to dine out in the suburb where i work. we’re surrounded with SAD chain after SAD chain of fried and not fresh foods. i have a distinct memory of seeing the “grilled vegetable” side being prepared at one of these SAD places where i worked in college. i remember the cook grab an individual plastic wrapped vegetable side from the freezer and throw it in to the microwave. when she pulled it out, she had to shake the vegetables away from the plastic that had melted to them so that they fell onto the plate. hardly any of the people i served those “grilled vegetables” to would ever eat them. i’d say that’s a good thing, though rather unfortunate when you consider how hard it is to get a healthy forkful of food at those restaurants, much less, something that doesn’t taste like plastic covered styrofoam. gross.
most of the time i bring my lunch, but there comes a time when i spend all of sunday partying with chocolate peanut butter pillows and do not get my sunday stock on… like this week, hehe. fret not, i have found a couple of diamonds in the rough:
SANDY’S - Maya’s No. 1 Pick
Sandy’s Market is pretty awesome. not only is it a health food store, it’s by far the best place to satisfy my healthful lunch out desires with an abundance of choices, buffet style. baked potato bar, salad and fruit bar, freshly made hot soups (at least 1 is vegan and usually contains a bean), several selections of hot entrees (mostly vegan, and generally there’s a vegan chili which is, surprisingly to me, the bomb!). if you dine in there’s a hot tea service with multiple choices of loose leaf teas they will serve up in individual pots. the market part is also good for picking up health food staples, buying in bulk, or looking for off out of the ordinary vitamins and other natural home remedies. their staff is really knowledgable too. Sandy’s has the Prescription for Nutritional Healing sitting out for shopper reference. so far they have had every oddball thing that i’ve gone looking for. i once picked up this red tea exfoliating foot cream while perusing the bargain bin. it’s so awesome, i wish i had grabbed all 17 tubes of it.
like all good things, there is a downside: the last time i went out to lunch at Sandy’s, i think it was a shocking $14 experience . the prices had gone up, and i used to think the $11 price was high (think the website is not up to date). yes, i know, it’s a locally owned, health focused place, but jeeeeeez that’s steep. i love Sandy’s but my bank account has to save for rainy days. thank heavens there is a out to lunch solution called taking it To Go. this way, i pay only for the food i want and it costs significantly less.
SALATA - No. 2 Pick
[excuse the crackberry photo]
even though salata is a franchise / chainy thing, i give it street cred for offering a huge selection of greens, fruits, beans and nuts for salad stocking. i compare it to subway gone salad bar. they assemble the salad for you as you go down the line selecting all your ingredients. pictured: spinach, red onion, green bell pepper, shredded cabbage, olives, cilanto, oranges, strawberries, grapes, pineapple, raisins, dried cranberries, garbanzo beans, sunflower seeds, walnuts, and almonds. weird combo, yes. affordable, yes. tasty and healthful, also yes.
now, now, now, i couldn’t leave you for the weekend with a boring MOFO post about food in plastic boxes… not when i can leave you with The Halloween Bone:
HAPPY MOFO DOG FACE !!!
*theme*FAIL*
it was so very optimistic of me to think i could handle MOFO’n themes. no way am i that methodical or capable of separating emotion from writing blog posts. it was funeral this monday, so today i wish you a happy market monday on this thursday!
the Urban Harvest Bayou City Farmer’s Market is one of my favorite local farmer’s markets in Houston. it’s held every Saturday morning 8 to noon, rain or shine. Houston’s no Portland, sniff, sniff, but we do have a mighty fine selection of farmer’s market pleasures.
my market morning always begins at the Katz Coffee tent. i try to remember to bring my own special Tsunami Warrior travel coffee mug, but even when i forget he provides me a recyclable container and refuses to let me pay for refills. ”This ain’t Starbucks, m’am, help yourself!” so i do, and i tip generously each time i return. aside from supporting a local, high quality business and free refills, what i love most about Katz is that there is always soy milk creamer sitting out next to your standard variety dairy creamers. this is the only coffee establishment in houston i’ve not have to ask, much less pay *ahem*Starbucks*ahem*banlist*** for something other than cow’s milk. YEEEEEAAAAAA KATZ!!!!
actually, now that i think more about it, all of the vendors at this great market were ready to talk vegan with me. YEEEAAAAAAAA Farmer’s Markets!!!!!!!
“excuse me, sir…”
“i like your squash.”
“what? try your eggplant? i don’t know…. i’ve never had very good luck with those.”
“let Mama tell you.”
“you will not fail at eggplant again.”
“sold. i’ll take a papaya and a butternut squash while we’re at it. thanks.”
once shopping was done, we listened to live music while we enjoyed more coffee and a breakfast of farmer’s market fresh pear sorbet from the Trentino Gelato tent.
for dinner, i followed Mama’s directions to prep the eggplant and concocted this beautiful dish:
Mediterranean Inspired Eggplant Saute
Eggplant, peeled, cubed and soaked 1-2 hours
Garlic, chopped
Roasted red peppers, sliced thinly
Olives, pitted and sliced
Fresh basil leaves, chopped
balsamic vinegar to taste
aside from the soak time, this was a super quick meal. first, i sauted the eggplant and garlic in a bit of olive oil, salt to taste. once i was moderately comfortable that the eggplant was about cooked, i added the other ingredients and let the balsamic vinegar cook away. took maybe 10-15 minutes total. once complete, i emptied my eggplant from the pan, added a touch of oil and sauteed spinach and chopped garlic in the same pan. the spinach only took about 2-3 minutes, i like it barely wilted. i thought the pair made perfect compliments.
i’m still acquiring a taste for eggplant. the first couple bites were different. the rest of it i quickly scarfed down and determined the dish to be SO YUMMY! a definite repeat for my collection.
